Same As You
by Vacira
Summary: AU: Alex and Piper have been best friends for years and somewhere along the term "with benefits" was tagged on to their title. When things begin to hit a new low and tensions get high what will become of the two? Will they rise above or crash and burn? Bad at summaries forgive me.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It's 3 am when your phone starts to ring, at first it was an intrusion into a dream working the sound of the song in between snippets of conversation that you actually couldn't hear; their mouths moving but nothing of substance escaped the lips of their blurred faces.

You're not sure if it's the second of fifth time the song playing finally pulls you from the clutches of the dream, but the moment your mind registers the source of the disturbance you swipe the device from your bedside table and silence it for the night. You even manage to shake the grogginess from your mind long enough to disable your alarms before discarding it to the other side of your king sized mattress.

You fall back into the dream, a torrent of either future promises or past memories, you decide not to ponder it as the images flash in your mind in a montage like discord. Twilight blue eyes flash as the last image before everything fades into darkness and then suddenly you feel like your world is tilting and a chill passes over you.

It's only then do you realize that you have been awoken once again, not by the phone but by the dip of the mattress as weight lays down upon it and the comforter is lifted up to allow someone to slide in next to you. The smell of lemon and honey invades your sense and your lip involuntarily curls into a smirk at the realization of who it is that was trying to intrude upon your sleep.

"Piper…"

Your voice feels like gravel as it leaves your throat and you feel her shift closer, probably feeling more daring now that she is certain that you're awake. A small sigh escapes through your nose as you feel a cool hand drift to play with the hairs on the nap of your neck.

"I've been trying to call you, Al."

You hum quietly in the back of your throat guiding a hand up her arm to curve along her shoulder and you're surprised to find it bare underneath the pads of your fingers.

"Stripping for me already, huh Pipes?"

You feel more than hear her laugh, a sound that always seemed to emanate in the back of her throat bubbling out of her lips and you knew it to be a sound of reserved only for moments of true happiness.

"I'm wearing a dress you ass."

She sounds slightly annoyed with the fact that you choose to ignore her prior statement but she ducks in closer to your body anyway as your hands travel south to feel the silky fabric that clung to her midsection like a second skin. You play with the fabric before finally, _finally_ , allowing your eyes to open and blue meet green in a moment that makes you feel like you've been thrown back into your dream.

You feel the hand that had been playing with the hairs at your nape give an insistent tug and her lips ghost across your jawline, her cool breathe betraying her consumption of wine from earlier in the night. Your eyes snap closed as you feel her teeth nibble on the lobe of your ear and the hand playing with dress pull with a sudden urgency to rid her of the offending item.

"I like where this is going…" you murmur, your voice husky and thick with growing desire.

She doesn't respond to your banter. Rather she elects to drag her lips down to your pulse point and bites down hard, surely to leave a mark, only to brush her tongue over the area in attempt to sooth your skin. As she begins to pepper your neck with similar nibbles and wet kisses you barely notice how she has managed to roll you onto you back, her knees coming to straddle your hips as her hand guides yours to the zip running up her dress.

You sit upright pulling her with you and direct her lips to meet yours in a frenzied battle of clashing teeth and eager tongues. Only then do begin to pull down the zipper at an agonizing pace and you can feel her shiver as your knuckles brush the indent of her spine and as the fabric of the dress fall you can't help but to notice strapless red lace bra. You've seen it on several occasion, always for the same reason.

Between kisses you manage to gasp out, "Bad date, Pipes?"

She groans leaning her forehead against yours. "I really don't want to talk about that right now."

You suck on your tongue hollowing out your cheeks. "Guess, I just want to thank the guy that got you warmed up for me."

You hate the way your voice sounds, the statement full of resentment and tinged with jealousy and you make a silent plea that Piper doesn't notice. Or if she does that she would choose to ignore it in her typical waspy fashion.

Thankfully she continues, her lips finding your collarbone as she brush the strap of your tank top off your shoulder. "Well that's the problem with a warm up, never really does much for you." You feel her fingers tangle in the hem of your shirt and the garment is being torn from your body before you realize what is happening. "But everyone knows that main work out is the most important."

You can't help but chuckle at the ridiculous phrasing, it was typical Piper Chapman style, always trying to one up you at every turn. In the end she just ends up seeming like a dork, and you feel your heartstrings pull at the emotion you feel flooding forward at her lame attempt to sate your protectiveness. You can't fight your next statement despite that.

"Is that what I am, a work out?"

She unclips her bra and clasps your face in her hands. "Shut up and fuck me."

You don't have to be told twice.

 _You've known each since you were ten, you both entered the same middle school. It wasn't one of those instant friendships, in fact she barely even paid you any mind for months. Stepping in you already had a reputation, one that screamed social pariah._

 _You with your thrift store clothes and obnoxiously large glasses at this point had decided you were better left with books than actual friends. You often snuck books out of the school library and within a few months you had amassed a small collection into your already cramped apartment. When your mother finally noticed, she just gave you a knowing look but never questioned their presence._

 _And in those moments you felt invincible, Alex Vause and your pathetic little library. It was the first time in your life that you could have something that your mother wouldn't struggle to buy._

 _But even the best moments fall apart._

 _You were trying to smuggle a copy of_ A Separate Peace _into your book bag when you feel a hand grab onto your wrist. Panic shot up through body as your eyes met those of Ms. Porter, the school librarian. The next few moments are filled with her reaming you out threatening suspension, cursing your mother for not teaching you to know better and the all the while you sat stone faced._

 _Until…_

" _Ms. Porter, I asked her to get it for me."_

 _Both of your heads snap in the direction of the speaker and you can't hide your shock at seeing who was behind the statement._

 _Piper fucking Chapman._

 _You sit there in stunned silence as you watch Piper and Ms. Porter talk back and forth and a few moments the librarian, with one last icy glare at you, walks off to her desk. Your left standing there still staring at Piper as if you she was had grown an extra limb, but she just smiles warmly at you and walks away with a copy of_ The Soccer's Stone _tucked underneath her arm._

 _Later that day at lunch you had taken up your usually solitary spot in the cafeteria without any food once again when you feel the chair next you pull out, the legs screeching against the tile floor. She sits down next to you with a nervous smile before offering you half of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich._

 _It wasn't an instant friendship, but like most things with Piper, it was an inevitable one._

When you wake up she is gone.

It's not a shocking turn of events, this was a cycle that you've gone through with Piper too many times to count. Ever since whatever it was that you two were started, you would fall asleep with your face buried in her hair only to wake up to a cold bed in the morning. Of course, morning to you was considered well past lunch time in Piper's book.

You reach blindly for your glasses carrying them with you as you roll out of bed and stumble to the bathroom to shower. You scrub a little more intently trying to get the feel and smell of Piper off your skin, and you can't help a humorless chuckle to break free at how impossible that idea seems.

Finally making your way into the kitchen you barely register that it's sometime past noon as the aroma of coffee breaks into your senses and you noticed a note placed by the recently brewed pot. The site was familiar, tradition when it came to Piper's less than traditional "sleepovers."

 _Hey Al,_

 _Woke up before you as usually and wanted to hit the gym while the day was young. I took a guess for the timer on the pot; hopefully the coffee isn't too cold._

 _Anyway, let me know what you're doing later._

 _Piper x_

It help sooths your wounded ego a bit and you find yourself smiling like a teenager with a crush as you pour yourself a mug. You head back to your bedroom after grabbing the script you had been working through recently for your next job and settle back under the covers. You've only read a few lines of dialogue before you hear your phone go off.

You frown as you realize it had fallen off the bed at some point last night which apparently had caused its volume to reset. You almost it ignore before you hear it go off once more so you scoop it off the floor to see three new messages blaring at you. One was from the director of the show you're currently stage-managing complaining about a yuppie actor and the other two were from your friend Nicky.

From Nicky:

 _Vause, it's the freaking weekend man. You're coming out for drinks whether you like it or not._

From Nicky:

 _You can even invite your dirty little secret if it will help you get out the apartment, you creepy hermit._

Nicky was the only one of your friends that knew about you and Piper, on account of the fact that she walked into your apartment one night drunk and high to you both naked on your couch. After much pleading and a little bribing you both had vowed her to secrecy, but that didn't mean she didn't torture the shit out of the both of you with the knowledge that she now possessed. As far as any of your other mutual friends were concerned, you and Piper were really _really_ close friends. It was a choice that been made on behalf of Piper to keep what they did behind closed doors a secret, something that always made you feel a pang in your chest whenever the memory of the conversation presented itself.

You sigh, tapping the side of your phone with your index finger before typing out a reply.

To Nicky:

 _Fine just tell me where to meet you later, you angry midget._

You set your phone back on the end table and take a small sip from your coffee mug before once again swiping the device back up and pulling up Piper's contact information (as if you didn't know her number by heart anyway).

To Piper:

 _Nichols and I are going out tonight, you are more than welcome to join._

You set the phone down once again and continue reading the script, glancing occasionally over at the end table to set if it had gone off without you hearing but it was silent. It was over an hour later when your phone finally lit up with a new message.

From Piper:

 _wouldn't miss it i'll call you later_ ;)

You can't get the smile off of your face for the next twenty minutes.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey guys here chapter 2 for you all and chapter 3 is already in the works. I'm really excited to continue working on this story and most of the plot has been fleshed out in my mind so I'll try to keep updates as consistent as possible. (It may be quiet for a few days when June 12th hits though, so forgive me.)

In other news, sorry for anything weird grammar-wise. I'm pretty terrible about proofreading my own work and a small portion of this chapter was written while under the influence of wine. But otherwise enjoy!

Chapter 2

To say that the club was crowded would be an understatement. You had hoped that Nicky in all of her wisdom would have chosen somewhere slightly low-key considering your distaste for most of the New York bar scene. And to your surprise she had, but it was still a Saturday night and this was still a New York bar even if it was on the backstreets.

After learning the name of the bar you quickly passed the message along to Piper and to your growing anxiety you hadn't heard back from her. Even if she did end up showing you're not sure if you would be able to find her in the swarming masses of the dimly lit area, because this place was fucking packed.

For what seemed like the tenth time in the last few minutes you find yourself surveying the crowded bar, looking for a shock of blonde hair floating through the dancing bodies. And like all times before you feel Nicky nudging you sharply in your side in an attempt to get your attention.

"What?" you growl between gritted teeth, giving her a pointed look.

"Don't give me that Vause," she comebacks. "This is the first time I'm seeing your ass in two weeks and you're too busy looking for Pepper to even listen to me."

You take a sip of your beer. "First of all, we are sitting down so you couldn't even see my ass if you wanted to," Nicky snickers and looks like she about to spit something back but you cut her off. "And second you know her name is Piper, you were her fucking roommate for a year."

Nicky raise her hands in a mock surrender and takes a sip of her drink, some fruity cocktail that Lorna had ordered on her behalf. "Look I get it, you like that whole 'hot for teacher' fantasy but that shit only works if you're one of her students."

You smack her arm and shush her as you notice Lorna and Boo approaching from the bar to your secluded booth with a new round of drinks. You feel annoyed at her bringing up Piper's career, knowing that very well may be one of the many reasons for the secrecy that encompasses your "relationship."

"It's not like that and you fucking know it," you say in the quietest tone possible for the loud roar of the bar. Nicky just shrugs and once again sips her drink giving you a waggle of her eyebrows that lets you know that she isn't going to let this drop. With a sigh you excuse yourself to the restroom and that's when you see her.

Piper was standing by the entrance to the bathroom, drink in hand wearing a loose red flannel and black skinny jeans that you knew were probably hugging her ass perfectly. You feel a smile flit over your face involuntarily and you wait for the moment she notices your approach. You're a few steps away from her when you clue in on the fact that she is actually talking to someone, both of them leaning near the doorframe highly engrossed in whatever conversation they were having.

And she is smiling and laughing. And the man who you barely took note of is leaning in a little too close for your comfort. You're almost passing right by her when your eyes lock, and you see a small glimmer in her eye. You nod before pushing past and going through the door to the bathroom.

The harsh lighting knocks something into and all of sudden you feel hazy from the amount of alcohol you've consumed tonight. Or maybe it's the realization that Piper didn't even bother looking for you after inviting her out that makes your stomach churn a bit.

You make your way over to the sink, turning the faucet on as cold as possible before splashing some water onto your face and you dig the heels of your palms into your eyes as if that will somehow make the image of her disappear from your mind. You lean forward against the sink, keeping your eyes closed and using your arms to keep steady.

You let out a shaky breath before rising to your full height and turning towards the door. The door that Piper was now leaning against, barring you from leaving. "Oh…"

She feigns a look of annoyance, an expression that cause the bridge of her nose to scrunch up a bit. "What, not even going to say hello now?"

You plaster a small smile onto your face in attempt to recover from the state she found you in, even though you know she will see right through you. "You seemed a bit preoccupied, didn't want to disturb you." She cocks her head to the side a bit but doesn't respond. You clear your throat. "So, uh, how long have you been here?"

You roll your eyes internally at how pathetic the questions sounds coming from you, you are Alex fucking Vause one of the most sought after professional Stage-managers in the city and could charm anyone into doing what you want for the sake of a show. But in front of Piper Chapman you turn into a small child seeking approval from their parents. You immediately shake that thought from your head because what goes on between you and Piper is definitely _not_ considered a child/parent relationship in any way.

You watch as her shoulders rise and fall in a slow shrug while she takes a step towards you. "Awhile, I suppose."

You purse your lips while adjusting your glasses and nod. "Well, we are in one of the booths by the back, if you feel like joining us at some point throughout the night." You don't wait for her to respond, instead you just brush past her and out of the door feeling anger bubble over the previous disappoint. Who the hell does Piper think she is? If she wanted to play some sort of fucked up cat and mouse game that was great for her.

But fuck that and fuck her.

You weave your way through the crowded bar once more, shooting a glance back at the man that Piper had been talking to only to feel a seething rage at see him waiting for her outside of the restroom, his face staring pointedly down at his phone. You throw the thought out and head back to Nicky, Lorna and Boo. Your stomach drops slightly as you notice them rising from the booth, jackets in hand.

Nicky approaches you clasping a hand on your shoulder. "Hey, Vause, Lorna works an early shift tomorrow at the diner so I'm gonna make sure she gets home alright."

Lorna brushes up beside her, a lopsided smile on her face and you can see how intoxicated she is by how heavily she leans on Nicky for support. "You should come by for breakfast tomorrow, Nicky will be there!"

Nicky smirks, still focused on you. "Yeah, if you happen to get up before the sun goes down stop on by."

You feign indifference at the idea of being left alone so early in the night, especially considering your previous encounter with Piper as you wish them a goodnight and navigate over to the bar to order a new drink. You stay near the counter going through a beer in less than five minutes as you try not to glance over in Piper's direction and failing spectacularly.

At one point she glances over at you making eye contact for a long moment before the man seizes her attention by brushing his hand over her arm and she looks away from you to lean into his touch. So that's why when a short red head with chocolate brown eyes approaches you and smiles, you smile back with a flirtatious raise of an eyebrow.

The conversation is pleasant and you begin entertaining the idea of spending the night with this girl, you even order two shots of tequila and lick the salt from each other wrists before downing the bitter gold liquid. All the while ignoring the unbidden thought of how much Piper loves tequila. You say something witty and she laughs, her eyes crinkling making you know that it's genuine and you relish the fact that you have this girl eating out of the palm of your hand and that you finally feel some semblance of normalcy in your personality.

But everything falls to pieces as you reach forward to brush a loose strand of hair out of her face and your eyes involuntarily flick over to Piper. Just in time to see the man leaning into her, their faces mere centimeters apart, and something within you snaps.

You recoil away from the redhead, your hand fleeting back as if you just touched a hot stove and your only instinct is to just get out of here. You wave frantically to the bartender, hurriedly telling him to close your tab and the moment your card is back in your hands you practically sprint for the door leaving Lisa or Libby or whatever the fuck her name was behind in a state of absolute confusion.

The cool air hits your face and you hail a cab not trusting your feet to carrying you back to your apartment and mutter your address to the driver. And then and only then did you allow yourself to take a breath, trying to control the torrent of emotion that has been flooding you for the last hour.

 _The first time you ever managed to drink enough to the point of drunkenness you were with Piper. She was thirteen and you were a few days away from fourteen. Over the past couple years of your friendship your small apartment had become a safe haven for you both. Piper detested being around her parents and you didn't mind being away from her mother's judgmental stare._

 _The unfortunate things about your place was there wasn't much to do, you still had your collection of books which had only grown larger in size over the past couple years, an endeavor that Piper has only helped. You had gone from the school library to larger bookstores, making sure you buy a small cheaper book while secretly smuggling several out in your backpack. Due to her fear of you getting caught, Piper had begun to buy them, but only under the condition that you agreed to stop risking the effort of shoplifting._

 _Like many times before you couldn't deny Piper this simple request. And so that began the tradition of reading to each other to drive away any boredom that would come on rare occasions. On this occasion though, it was due to the shared giddiness of a little too much of your mother's vodka and the feeling of the impending end of a school year encroaching on you._

 _You had handed the book over to her, after her continued insistence that she wanted to read to you for a change. She huddle up closer to you on your small mattress and ends up with her head resting in your lap. As the soft metronome of her voice flows over the words written on the page you bring your hand to tangle in her hair, gently pulling the golden strand through your fingers and you feel as if you could drift off to sleep in that state._

 _Until the lights flicker and blink out of existence. You sit up slowly, cradling Piper's head to stomach in attempt to not startle her and stare blindly around your room. You slowly climb over her and out of your bed, heading over to the window to look out over the city, the entirety of it gone dark._

 _With a grin you glance over to Piper. "Want to look at the stars?"_

 _With a beaming smile that you can see through the darkness she jumps out of the bed and comes to stand next to you by the window as you heave yourself onto the windowsill and remove the screen. You slid out onto the roof, looking behind you to see if Piper will follow you out._

 _When you see her hesitation, you hold your hand out giving a soft smile. "Come on, I got you." She looks at you with wonder in her eyes before grabbing your hand and allowing you to assist her out on to the roof. You make sure that she settles down safely, unaware of how the alcohol would be affecting her at this point._

 _But her gaze is already zeroed in on the sky, a look of absolute joy blossoming on her face. And then that laugh, the one she saves for perfect moments like this bubbles from her lips. "It's so beautiful out here, Al."_

 _While she focuses on the sky, you are focused on her._

 _A long moment passes. "Yeah," you whisper softly. "It really is."_

You barely register stumbling into your apartment. All you know is that you somehow ended up on your sofa with a bottle of wine open in front of you. You drink straight from the bottle, neglecting the glass and for some reason you decide to pull out your laptop.

You have your script in hand, reading and rereading lines of dialogue in attempt to memorize important information that you would need to pass on to a design team. You take a large gulp from the bottle and type in something about the necessity of practical food into a props list.

You don't recall how you ended up on your rooftop, chain-smoking cigarette after cigarette but by the time you squeeze back into your living room, you are frantically searching for your phone. First you check the time and then you bring up your chat with Piper, thinking vaguely that you should ask her to let her know when she gets home safe. The moment that thought enters your mind, you also conjure the image of her and that nameless man earlier in the night. You toss your phone onto your sofa, grabbing the bottle of wine and taking another large swig.

You wander aimlessly around your apartment, drinking and muttering the occasional "fuck you." Until the world starts to spin around you and you wind up curling up on the couch in a fetal position. You know you should go empty you stomach but you can't bring yourself to stand. You can hear your heartbeat in your ears and wave of nausea rolls over you in full force at the same time you feel a gentle hand brush over your cheek.

You feel yourself being lifted and guided, the person next to you trying with great effort to reign in your drunken staggering and then you're being lowered gently and you feel your forehead connect with a cool surface. You grip the edge of the toilet seat and finally the alcohol that has been rolling around in your stomach comes flooding back up out of you. The same gentle hand comes up and holds back your hair and the other rubs soothing circle between your shoulder blades.

"Oh, Al…"

Your only response is a groan as you feel your stomach empty itself again and you rest your hand on the cool surface of the toilet seat. You feel her rest her forehead in the nook of your neck and you feel her lips brush gently against you flushed skin.

"Pipes…"

She tells you to stay quiet and try to relax. "I got you, Al."

You're not sure how long you sit there, but eventually you feel her lift you to your feet before eventually being lowered gently on your mattress. She rids you of your boots and jeans. You feel her gently stroke your forehead and hair. Every time you go to speak she gently hushes you, pressing a finger to your lips.

Eventually her gentle touches stop and you panic slightly at the missing sensation. "Please, don't leave."

You believe for a few moments that she gone, until you feel the bed shift and she is pulling you into her. Immediately you wrap your arms around her, ducking your head into her chest.

"Just as long as you promise not to throw up on me."

You groan, feeling a small part of you sober up enough to feel embarrassed by your behavior but she hushes you once more running a hand up your back to resume the soothing motions from before.

"I got you, I got you, Alex."

She repeats that phrase until you eventually fall into a dreamless sleep.

Notes:

Chand3li3r – Can't wait to hear more of what you think of the next coming chapters!

patalano – Honestly your review gave me this dorky fucking smile on my face, I was super nervous about posting this so thank you for the positive vibes! Not sure about five times a day but I'll try to make it at least once a day if not every two :D

excedrinpersonality – I hope this was soon enough for you!

Azuriteh - *insert gif of Piper winking awkwardly*

NightsLightss – Well, I'm glad to hear that the concept is too overused, that was something I was a little worried about when I started working through the plot in my head. Thanks for the review!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The first thing you notice is the splitting headache that rips through you like an earthquake, but that doesn't compare to the second thing that you notice. You were alone in bed, the place where you swear Piper had rested the night before cold and unwelcoming. A wave of resentment washes over you and you think about ripping up the note she probably place in front of your coffee pot.

 _Fuck her._

You take a moment to let your eyes adjust to the light beaming through your bedroom window, before rolling over to the bedside table groping feebly for your glasses. Slipping the frames on to your face you let your feet fall to the carpeted floor besides your bed and your foot connects with something plastic. You look down at the bucket laying on the floor and push it away with your toe as if touching it would cause you to throw up again.

You stumble forward, falling to the wall and for a moment you realize that there is still alcohol leeching through your body. You swear silently as you use the wall for support to guide you into the living room with every intention of grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen and sleeping off the rest of your hangover. As you cross the threshold you stop dead in tracks at the site before you.

Piper was laying on your sofa, wrapped up in a blanket reading a book with a mug resting on the coffee table. You feel your misery melt away, and your headache lessen as you stare at her.

She peek at you from behind the cover of the book and flashes an amused smile. "Good to see that you're still alive."

You make your way over to the couch and she shifts her feet to give you room to sit down, watching your unsteady progress with what you feel like is a protective gaze. You flop down onto the sofa ungracefully and begin pulling the end of the blanket to cover your bare legs; it only just registered to you that didn't you put any pants on to cover yourself.

You hear her chuckle and she shifts over to you melding her body close to yours. You let your hand fall to her thigh and you smirk at the feeling bare skin that greets you, and despite your pounding head a small spark kindles in your stomach.

She raises a hand to brush a few loose strands of hair out of your face. "How are you feeling?"

Your eyebrows raise up as you lick your dry lips. "Like someone beat the shit out of me last night."

Another chuckle. "I think that someone may have been you." Her face masks over in seriousness. "You had me worried last night, Al. I thought I was going to have to take you to the hospital."

You grimace trying not to imagine the horrid state you must have been in when she finally showed up at your apartment to warrant that sort of reaction, but yet again Piper always did have a flair for being slightly dramatic. "I'm sorry, Pipes." And you are, because you realize now that if you had got over your pity party you could have actually enjoyed your night with her.

"Do you need anything?" she murmurs softly, coming close to brush her lips against the side of your mouth.

You shake your head, even though the truth is that you dying to go back to sleep but the fear of waking up and Piper being gone overtakes your desire to fall back into oblivion. So instead, you tilt your head towards her, one of your hands coming up to clasp the back of her neck and pull her lips to meet your own. A soft sigh escapes through your nostrils and you think vaguely about how bad your breath must be right now. You wonder if you should get up and wash your mouth out, maybe actually talk to Piper about what was going through your head last night or even this morning when you thought she had left you instead of just fucking your problems away like normal. Or cook her breakfast and treat her like you would if she was actually your girlfriend and walk her home like Nicky does for Lorna…

"I can hear you thinking," she says breaking away to look you in the eyes. Her hands come up to take your glasses off, folding them and placing them on the coffee table. "Where are you right now?"

You duck your head your hands coming to stroke the skin of her thighs, before smiling back up at her. "I'm here." You punctuate the statement with a kiss. "With you."

She smiles at you as she guides down to the sofa with her to lay flat on her back, you noticing for the first time that she is wearing one of your t-shirts and it makes your heart flutter. Her hands find its hem and she pulls it gently over her head leaving her chest bare to you. You stop for a second allowing a moment to take in the site before she is pulling you down to her. She kisses you softly for a moment before you break away to pepper kisses down her neck across her collarbone and down to her breast. Your tongue glides over her nipple before capturing it in between your lips sucking and nibbling as your hand reaches to give her other breast equal attention.

Her hands slid up to your hair gripping tightly on the dark strands and you feel a gasp break across the dampening skin of your neck as her pelvis rises to meet yours. A growl curls out of your throat as your hands secure themselves firmly on her hips forcing them back down to the cushions. Your eyes snap up to meet her blown out pupils.

"Alex…"

You bring your face up to her capturing her lips with a bruising force as you direct her back to rest against the arm of the sofa, your fingers skimming down her sides to duck into the waistband of her underwear. She whimpers into your mouth as you break away from her with a smug expression at her growing frustration at the realization that any control she had was gone.

"So impatient."

You hear her huff in annoyance as you knead the heated flesh beneath your fingertips. She leans up in attempt to kiss you but you dodge her pulling back every time she moves forward and you feel her squirm under your unrelenting grip. You smirk at seeing her like this, knowing this is the closest thing you'll get in terms of payback for last night.

"Alex, I swear-,"

She is cut off as your hand finally slips beneath her waistband and run the tip of your index finger along the length of her lips.

"Care to finish that thought, Pipes?"

Her only response to arch into your touch forcing your fingers to dip between her folds and you can't stifle the groan that escapes as you feel how wet she is for you. Suddenly your plan to drag this out for as long as possible is thrown away as your senses are thrown into hyper-drive. In a flurry her underwear is shed along with your shirt and bra and your head is between her legs licking, sucking, and nibbling. You thrust two fingers into her without any preamble and you spare a glance up at her, your eyes meeting hers in a moment that makes you feel like your skin is on fire. It's not long before you feel a tug on your hair as she pulls you up to her your lips meeting, tongues dancing desperately and suddenly her thigh has found its way between your legs grinding against you at frantic pace to match that of the hand still buried between her legs.

All you can smell is her skin and your vision is swimming in the blue of her eyes. Everything is Piper and you bite down on your lip hard fearing what words might come tumbling from your lips if you're not careful.

When she falls over the edge with your name on her lips you follow shortly after, burying your face in her neck in attempt to stifle your cry. She tilts your chin up to meet her and your lips lazily graze together.

And in this moment you think about how she could have gone home with someone else last night, but she came to you instead. She followed _you_ home, looked after _you_ and shared _your_ bed last night. That was enough for now, it had to be enough.

 _Piper in all of her naïve nature took longer than most to understand the severity of your impoverished life. Of course to her credit you tried desperately to hide it, even though you knew her mother saw it in the mismatching socks you wore and the grime that caked shoes that were too small for you._

 _No, Piper remained oblivious until the first time she visited your apartment, an event that you put off for as long as possible. You even went as far as saying that your mother wouldn't be home, knowing that Carol Chapman wouldn't approve of two unsupervised pre-teens by themselves all night. Only for you to find out that Piper had neglected to tell her mother, one of many rebellious acts that had come to light after she began spending time with you._

 _After your original tension of Piper seeing the sad state of your home dissolved due to Piper's indifference, weekend at your place were a constant._

 _She continued to surprise you like this. After rumors began to circulate around your high school about your preference for girls over boys you decided to just come out and tell her. Her expression hadn't changed, she merely shrugged and queried about whether or not you two would still be going to Walmart later to visit your mom during her shift._

 _Then there was the time that she crawled out onto your roof as you were smoking a joint and asked to try. After the initial coughing had subsided, you watched as a look of giddiness spread across her face as she stared out at the city lights. She had rested her cheek against your shoulder as you passed the joint back and forth until it was spent. You talked about everything and nothing and you added this Piper to a list of your favorite things._

 _The one time she didn't surprise you is when you informed her that you wouldn't be going to prom. She protested and whined for days before finally accepting your reasons. Saying that you just didn't feel as if it would be worth the time and that you could probably make a killing in tips at Friendly's if you worked that night._

 _She didn't know that while she went dress shopping with Polly that you were looking over bus schedules and tuition statements from the local community college. She didn't know that half your paycheck and all of your tips would always be stashed away in the hopes of building a significant college fund. She didn't know that the other half of your paycheck would go towards food and sneaking gas into your mom's car._

 _You try to secure a shift for that night but the manager just insists that you wouldn't be necessary. So instead you stay home and get high, sipping on some of your mother's Southern Comfort as you brood over the fact that Piper went to prom with Aaron Davis the starting pitcher of the baseball team._

 _You begin rereading_ A Separate Peace _before you decide to turn on some music. You're in the middle of singing along to_ Knockin' On Heavens Door _when you hear a loud pounding come from your very own door. You lower the volume and slow cross to answer it, figuring your mom must have forgotten her key again._

 _What you don't expect is to see Piper standing on the other side of the door, still in her dress and heels dangling from her hand. You adjusted your glasses and attempt to gather yourself as you let her through the entryway allowing yourself a long moment to take her in, because she just looked so damn beautiful._

 _You gather a night shirt and sweatpants for her to change into and she joins you shortly in the living room as you shuffle a deck of card, the bottle of Southern Comfort sitting beside your feet._

" _So what happened to Ivan?" You eventually ask after taking another sip from the bottle._

 _She doesn't bother correcting you on the name like she had in the past. "He went to some party at his friend's house."_

" _So what," you prod. "He just ditched you then?"_

 _She reaches over for the bottle with a small shake of her head. "No," she takes a sip. "He wanted me to go along, but I asked him to drop me off here."_

 _You stare at her in complete bewilderment at she draws a card from the deck sitting between you two. You wonder how she is just blowing off something like that, as if ditching your prom date to hang out with unpopular friends was a common occurrence in her waspy little world._

 _You swallow thickly before daring to ask why she did that, a small part of you dreading the answer you would receive._

 _She looks up with a shy smile on her face and shrugs. "I don't know, Al. It just felt like the whole night was kind of missing something. The DJ would play a song and I just kept thinking about how you would make fun of it or how you would enjoy this type of food and probably hate that one. Then they just started talking about you, as if they didn't care you were my best friend and I just kept thinking about how I'd rather be here, ya know? Because at least I would_ like _the person I'm spending time with and Aaron refused to dance and…"_

 _She stopped herself, realizing she was rambling in true Piper Chapman style before shrugging once more. "I just had always imagined you being there with me, and without you it wasn't even worth it."_

 _You just smile at her, feeling a bubble of happiness inflate inside your chest._

 _Later that night you help her remove the pins holding her hair up. You both duck into your room and underneath the covers feeling pleasantly buzzed. She huddles in closer to you tucking her head beneath your chin as you wrap your arms around her._

 _You drift to sleep thinking about the wonder that was Piper and you feel slight dangerous sort of hope glimmer in your heart._

You're not sure when you drifted back to sleep or how long you remained dead to the world, but when you wake up your hangover has mostly subsided. A blanket had been draped over you at some point but despite that you were still naked. The spot next you where Piper had been was empty but you hear shuffling and the sound of coffee brewing from the kitchen.

You sit up right feeling cool air hit your back and slide your glasses back onto your face as you turn your head to look into the other room to see her. She is standing by the coffee pot, her mug from earlier cradled between her fingers. At some point she had slipped into a pair of your sweatpants and dawned your old t-shirt again, the whole ensemble slightly too big for her smaller frame. You take in the moment watching as you reaches for another mug from the shelf above her before pouring the freshly brew coffee.

For a moment, you're struck by home domestic this all feels. Waking up on a Sunday morning, or afternoon, or evening for all you knew to see this girl that you harbored so much affection for wandering around your apartment as if this was her home.

As she turns around heading back towards the living room gingerly carrying both mugs, the spell is broken. You flash her your trademark smirk. "Do you intend to use up all of my coffee?"

She smiles, handing you a cup over to you and sits purposefully on the coffee table. "Do you intend to sit around naked all day?"

"Answering a question with a question how very teacher of you," you blow on the steam rising from the hot mug. "I think I might though, there is something rather freeing about not wearing clothes. Who knows, I might just go join a nudist colony."

She chuckles fixing you with a look that you can't quite interpret. Something that's new to you considering Piper had always been an open book to you.

"Yeah," she says slowly. "You'd fit right in I imagine."

You arch an eyebrow at her tone but make no comment as you sip your coffee. You lean back against the couch, the blanket slipping down to your waist and Piper's gaze sweeps over you with a hungry lit in her eyes. You perk your eyebrows up at her and let the smirk on your face grow.

She shoves her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants, meeting your gaze. "I order Chinese a few minutes ago. Nicky called earlier wondering if you were coming for breakfast but that was almost four hours ago now."

You groan. "Shit. I guess I forgot about that."

She has that look again, it was like a mask and it made you feel like you were sitting under a microscope. You suck in a breath. "Look, I'm sorry about last night." You're not sure why you're apologizing, in some ways you feel that it's warranted, just anything to relieve the tension that you feel building between you two. "I guess I kind of overreacted."

Her eyebrows furrow and she takes the coffee out of your hands, placing it on the table. You begin to protest until she lifts the blanket up and slides in beside you, her head coming to rest on your shoulder. You barely hear her as she murmurs, "I don't deserve you."

 _What?_

 _It's nothing,_ you think.

 _Is it?_

You clear your throat. "Hey, how about we just sit here and watch shitty movies all day?"

Her smile is all the answer you need and as you go to shower she follows you in, you help each other wash your hair (as if you aren't too grown adults perfectly capable of doing that for yourselves). The closest thing you do to sex is when she squirts you with the shampoo bottle and you pin her against the wall, your breast brushing together. She just smiles and murmurs her assent.

She runs out to pick up the food, laughing at you as you stage a miniature revolt at getting dressed still, to your credit you wrap yourself up in a robe and by the time Piper walks through the door you have a selection of DVDs splayed out on your coffee table.

You eat and end up spooning on your sofa barely paying attention to the movie playing on the television, electing to talk in hushed tones as if talking too loud would somehow bring the peacefulness come to a crashing end.

You find yourself thinking about how it hasn't been like this for a while with her, every encounter in the recent past leaving you both tangled up in your bed sweaty and spent.

Before long Piper begins to doze off, a yawn break though one of her sentences. You pull her in tighter to you and tell her to get some sleep, making a joke about how it must have been tiring taking of your drunk ass last night. After a few minutes of listening to her steady breathing and taking in her warmth you feel your own eyelids begin to slip.

You place a kiss on the back of her neck. "Please be here when I wake up."

She shifts and the hand that is intertwined with yours on her stomach squeezes tightly. You fall asleep with a soft smile on your lips.

But when you wake up just as the sun was beginning to set, she is gone.

 **Notes:**

 **vausemania** **– Thank you dear**

 **Chand3li3r** **– Hopefully I can offer more insight on how Piper feels in the next coming chapters. Don't wanna give too much away though ;). Thanks for reading!**

 **excedrinpersonality** **\- *thumbs up***

 **patalano** **– You're really too kind and I'm glad that you feel as if that this isn't too OOC, I'm kind of struggling with that pretty hard due to the circumstance. Ya feel me?**

 **addictedtoOITNB** **– Thanks so much for sharing the good vibes!**

 **Wanderingbrowneyes** **– Hard to really decide isn't it? Do you take the plunge and possible become broken or do you just learn to live with what is keeping you going for the moment. Either way C.S. Lewis said it best: "To love at all is to be vulnerable."**


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: Hey all sorry for the long delay, life happened. I'm going to apologize in advance for the shitty quality of this chapter._

 _To the all my reviews: Thanks for all the kind words and support, you guys are the reason I didn't just totally abandon this story._

 _Enjoy._

…

The door chimes as you walk into the diner. Your eyes scan around the space before eventually landing on Nicky who was seated at the counter drinking coffee as Lorna talk animatedly at her; they both turn in your direction as you cross the small distance to sit down. Lorna greets you warmly and pours you a cup of coffee before heading off to wait on a table, murmuring something softly to Nicky before she departs.

Nicky glances over to where Lorna was taking an older gentleman's order before deeming it safe to speak. "So what did she do this time, Vause?"

"Not sure what you mean."

You know you're being purposefully imperceptive but a part of you, a rather large portion actually, despises how transparent you are to the shorter woman. More than that you hate how Piper has this pull over your emotions, as if she was the moon forever able to change the slow tide of your nature into a stormy sea.

Nicky just stares at you, watching your hands as your fingers drum against to the countertop restlessly and you try to play off your irritation as simple exhaustion.

"I don't want to talk about Piper."

"Alright," she amends with a knowing smile. "You sure?"

"Yes," you snap, perhaps a little too quickly to actually be convincing. "Now why the hell did you call me so early in the morning?"

Lorna had rounded back to the counter at this point and was keying in on the conversation, going on about a costumer being rude to her and leaving a disgusting low tip. Lorna and Nicky mumble back and forth for a moment while you nurse the cup of coffee in your hand, reaching forward to grab a jar of creamer.

"Did you ask her about the trip yet, Nicky?"

You arch an eyebrow at the sudden change of topic. "What kind of trip?"

Nicky opens her mouth to respond but Lorna quickly overrides her. "Well, Nicky set up this nice little trip upstate for me and her but she didn't ask me about it beforehand. So, as it turns out I have a wedding to go to and the bus tickets are non-refundable."

"So where do I fit into this?"

"Do the words 'non-refundable' give a hint?" Nicky questions.

You smirk. "Are you asking me to go on vacation with you Nichols?"

"Don't feel too special Vause," Nicky counters. "It was supposed to be Lorna not you."

"Well when you say it that way, no thanks."

From the corner of your eye you watch as Lorna reaches over the counter and smacks Nicky over the head giving her a pointed look before she begins wiping down the counter.

"Finnnneee," Nicky says grudgingly, her expression changes into what you assumed to be her best look of seduction. "Will please go on romantic getaway with me Bigfoot?"

"As long as you promise not make that face ever again," you chuckle. "When are you going?"

"Your birthday weekend," Nicky mumbles while playing with a sugar packet. You feign a hurt expression before she amends. "What? It's not like you celebrate anyway you asshole."

"Yeah," you concede. "But we still usually hang out."

"Not recently, that responsibility has been passed onto Piper.

Your lips press into a thin line as you turn away from her once more, despite the truthfulness of Nicky's statement you can't help but feel a slight bit of resentment well up. It is true that Piper has monopolized your time, especially during events such as your birthday. Nicky has never chosen to be give you shit about it, rather making snide comments and crude remarks at your expense.

The more you try to get your mind off of the blonde the more you realize that she has become this all-encompassing thing, invading your thoughts and controlling your frame of mind by simply being _around_. Last night after you had woken up alone once more you spent the rest of the night brooding, finding yourself sleepless and anxious because of the fact that she left you alone. Again. The frustration only adding up when she failed to respond to any of the messages you sent her last night and small part of you was refusing to rest merely in the hopes of her walking into your apartment again.

Needless to say that never happened.

You notice Lorna shift uncomfortably in the silence that you allowed to form in your brooding and you silently berate yourself at allowing _Piper_ to captivate your mind once again.

"Speaking of Piper," she starts off uncertainly. "Did you end up meeting up with her the other night?"

"No," you say dryly, not wanting to think about the events that transpired that evening.

"Well, she called Nicky last night saying that she was just leaving your place and that…" she trails off nervously suddenly aware of the look that you are shooting in Nicky's direction.

"Why did Piper call _you_?"

Nicky just gives you a narrowed eyed expression and you suddenly become aware of how ridiculous you are being in this situation. You shake your head as if trying to rid the paranoid thoughts that were circling in your mind right now.

"Oh look," Lorna says breaking the tension. "There is a costumer, gotta run."

You let out a heavy stream of air between your lips, your head falling to the counter as you attempt to recover from the situation. You feel a hand clap down on your back and Nicky rubs a few gentle circles. "Come on Vause, you look like you could use a cigarette."

You nod solemnly as you turn in your seat to stand, pulling a few bills from your pocket and throwing them onto the counter. You barely registering the path you to take to the entrance. Before you even reach the door Nicky has placed a lighter and cigarette in your hand and the first thing you do the moment you both step outside is light it up.

The smoke rolls off your tongue and you take a few moments to savor it before glancing towards Nicky. "Sorry."

Nicky merely shrugs as she lights her cigarette. "I don't know what happened between you and her this time but you promised me when I first found out that I wouldn't face at collateral for your mess."

"I know," you mumble remembering the distinct conversation. "But she didn't answer me yesterday and then I find out she talked to you but couldn't even give the decency of a fuck you."

"She probably already did that earlier in the day."

You give her the finger as you take another drag from your cigarette. "I'm being serious Nick."

"Okay," Nicky concedes, clearly annoyed and you can't blame her, you were annoyed by you. "So what's your point here?"

"There is no point," you admit. "It just bothers me that she will talk to you and then blatantly ignore me."

"Maybe she just has shit going on, maybe she has shit to deal with that she doesn't want _you_ to know about."

You scoff. "We've told each other everything since we met Nick."

"Right," she says dragging the word out. "So she _does_ know about your undying love for her?"

You feel the muscle of your jaw clench, your lips drawing in to a thin line. In that moment you felt like you just wanted to shove the shorter woman and tell her to officially 'fuck off' but once again there is an undoubted truth in her words.

But if something was going on with Piper surely you would know. You and her have barely gone two days without at least speaking to each other in years and you can't remember the last time a day past where you didn't at one point see Piper. But of course in past month more often than not those encounters with each other have always resulted in sex, leaving very little room for discussion in between. You think for one small horrifying moment that maybe there was a reason for that, that maybe she was just hoping to distract you so that the two of you wouldn't _have_ to talk, that she was attempting to avoid anything that involved actual _feelings._

You shake your head of thought. She wouldn't do that. Would she? Sighing you stamp out your cigarette. "I have meeting."

Nicky nods watching you warily as you start down the street. "Hey Vause."

You look back.

"Give me a call later, maybe we can meet up."

You force a smile. "Sure."

…

" _Holy shit!"_

 _You blindly reach for a blanket as you simultaneously throw yourself over Piper in attempt to shield her from Nicky's site. You catch Piper's eye, actually it's impossible to look anywhere else from your position on top of her and you feel your gut knot up with dread at the panic that was flickering in her blue eyes._

 _You finally grab a hold of the blanket on top of the chaise, draping it over your bodies before you glance back towards Nicky who was wearing gawking smile._

" _Kitchen. Now."_

 _She throws her hands up still laughing slightly as she goes through the doorway sparing one last amused looked back at you before disappearing from sight. You look back at Piper who seemed like she was physically frozen to the spot. You place a chaste kiss upon her forehead and feel a pang as she flinches away slightly._

 _A sigh escapes your lips as you murmur to her that you'll be right back. Her eyebrows knit together a frown twisting her features._

" _It'll be okay Pipes."_

 _You stand, grabbing your shirt and pulling it over head as you make your way to the bedroom to grab Piper a robe. You're absently aware of the fact that she follows you in and you can almost hear the wheels turning in her head. You force her to meet your gaze as you hand over a robe to her. "What is it Piper?"_

 _She gives you a look that is all doe-eyes and anxiety. "Do you think we should keep doing this?"_

 _Your entire body tenses and you barely register her movements as she pull the robe over her. It's a blow that you've been expecting for a long time now, but that doesn't change fact that you feel as if you've been punched in the gut, leaving you feeling winded and wanting to double over in pain._

 _You swallow past the lump in your throat. "Let's go talk to Nicky." With that you breeze past her without giving her a second chance to say anything more on the topic. You know it's childish and really who are you to go against Piper's wishes, but_ fuck. _Besides emotional chaos was something Piper was terrible with, maybe after this situation was resolved with Nicky things would be okay again._

 _Even though they have never really been okay to begin with._

 _Nicky is waiting in the kitchen and when you walk in she gives you a shit-eating grin that makes you want to punch her in the face. Clearly your bad mood registers because she attempts to normalize her expression as she leans against your dining table, you don't say anything until Piper sullenly joins the both of you._

 _The conversation is pretty much what you expect, Nicky pulls out all the typical questions and surprisingly Piper answers more of them than you. In that moment it strikes you how little you understand what is really going on between you and Piper. There is one question that Nicky brings forth that brings your thoughts to a complete standstill._

" _So what is going on between you two really, what is this?"_

 _You look to Piper, impatiently waiting to hear her answer because quite frankly you have no fucking clue what was going on between the two._

" _We are having a good time, I don't really see the harm in that."_

 _It feels like someone is squeezing your heart and you fail to meet either women's gaze in that moment. Out of the corner of your eye you notice Nicky nodding slowly before bringing up the one topic that you knew would warrant no reasonable response from you or Piper._

" _What about Barry?"_

 _In a normal situation you would have shared a smirk with Nicky at the intentional name switch in reference to Piper's boyfriend, Piper's_ fiancé. _Now though you looked at Piper, her face stony and her eyes narrow as she mulls over what to say in response._

 _She looks at you. "I'm going to get dressed."_

 _You nod mutely and watch her as she leaves the kitchen, feeling like the entire weight of the world was baring down on your chest making it hard to think coherently. Nicky waves her hands at you catching your attention and there was bizarre look on her face as she looks over you. You wonder if you look as defeated as you feel._

" _She didn't want anyone to know," you mumble petulantly._

" _Tough shit I suppose. What happens when this all blows up in your face? What if Larry does figure it out somehow?"_

 _You cross your arms over your chest as you lean heavily on the counter top. It's not like you never thought about that particular situation and what it would mean for your friendship with Piper, but when it came to the blonde logic was the last thing on your mind. A small part of you had always considered the idea of telling Larry if only for the satisfaction of getting rid of the guy, but Piper trusted you. You wouldn't, no_ couldn't _, destroy that._

" _You don't have to worry about that Nichols," you assure her. "As far as anyone know you never found out about this. Right?"_

 _Irritation flicks across Nicky's face. "You know what horseshit that is, I'm not some gatekeeper for you two. Now I have sit across from you and that dumbass and pretend that you aren't both fucking the same woman."_

 _You promised yourself that you would be reasonable in this situation, if only for Piper's sake. But the crude way Nicky breaks down the situation and Piper's blow off explanation about what was going on has caused nothing but bitterness to build up._

" _Fuck you," you seethe. "It's not like that."_

 _Understanding blooms on the shorter woman's face, her eyes scrutinizing you as takes in rigid stance. "You love her, don't you?"_

 _You look out towards the living room making sure Piper wasn't able to hear the conversation between you and Nicky before you look back at her._

" _Yeah, I do."_

 _Larry would never find out about the two of you. A month after Nicky finds out about you two, Piper would show up at your door bags in hand telling you that she was no longer getting married._

…

The entire day was frustrating, the meetings you had to attend had left you on edge and more than a little exhausted. Only adding to your terrible mood is the problem of Piper. You still haven't heard from her and by now you knew she was up and moving around, she had classes to teach after all. Your conversation with Nicky did nothing to help your thoughts revolving around the blonde.

So when you finally had a break you in between talking with high strung actors and overly detail oriented designers your mind had already decided for you would to just confront her about the past couple nights, try and figure out where her head was in terms of the situation. You stop by her favorite coffee place and pick up her regular order before trekking down to the school, all the while working through different things to say to her once you see her.

You know Piper might just be busy and all the doubt that you've built up really was in your mind but the idea something might be going on with Piper had stuck with you. Maybe Nicky was right, maybe you just needed to get out of your own drama for a moment actually be a friend to Piper.

You're fretting over the possibility that she may have gone somewhere during her lunch break but the thoughts dissipate as you see the light shining through the door of her classroom. You think of possible ways to start of the conversation lightly and you smirk at the few ideas that you conjure before twisting the door handle.

Any words that you could have said die on your tongue as you take in the sight in front of you. Piper was there, she didn't go anywhere for lunch. But so was _Larry_. They were murmuring in hushed tones as they eat their lunches but as you the door clicks shut behind you both of their heads turn in your direction.

 _What the fuck is this._

You shake yourself out of your stupor, pretty sure that you looked like a gaping fish. "I brought you coffee."

Piper nods, still clearly surprised to see your presence as she takes a swift glance at Larry. "Thanks."

"Yeah," you say curtly. "I know how Mondays can be for you."

She just nods again as you cross and place the cardboard cup on her desk. You meet Larry's gaze. "Hey."

He smiles at you warmly. "Alex, good to see you."

A long tense moment passes as you and Piper look at each other, Larry in all of his ignorance as the decency to look confused. You mumble something about seeing her later as you turn on your heel towards the door, focused on getting out of there as swiftly as possible until you hear Piper call out to you.

You force yourself to glance back at her. "Just give me a few minutes, Al. We can grab lunch or something."

You bite back a bitter laugh as you gesture towards her food. "Looks like you already ate. I have to run."

She calls your name once more as you walk out of the door. You know she won't follow after you, but you can't ignore the bubble of disappoint that blows up in your chest when she actually just lets you go. As you head of the main doors of the school you pull your phone out and dial Nicky. She answers after two rings.

"Wanna meet up later?"


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Thanks for all the reviews guys, you're all amazing. This chapter is a bit short but I had to end it where was, also sorry for the lack of dialogue but this is the only way I could really process this bit of the story.**

 **Anyways. Enjoy.**

…

The next week passed in a weird monotonous blur, there was always work to be done and meetings to attend but for the most part you feel like you're forcing yourself to move forward. You haven't heard from Piper, well, that's not _entirely_ true. She had called during the run of a show and you hadn't been aware of that until you turned your phone back on later that night, but there was no voicemail, no follow up text and you were too worn out by the last couple of days to dignify it with a response.

A small part of you was just looking to spite her for the lack reciprocity, but another part of you was just growing weary with the constant back and forth with Piper. You were not _together_ with Piper, that's a fact you often have to remind yourself of, but for years the two of you have at least been able to balance the "friend" part of your relationship with the "benefits." Recently, that balance has tipped more towards the latter, much to Piper's gentle nudging and your dismay. For the first time ever you think maybe this should come to end. Before it completely destroys you.

These are the thoughts that have been drifting through your mind endlessly, it circled in your head whenever you are cleaning up the set before shows, going through check-lists, and typing up reports. Even during the times that Nicky had come over to your place (a new-old event that had resurfaced in the recent days in Piper's absence) you can't help but bring up the idea to the shorter woman, talking in circles about the pros and cons. At times you feel like you are attempting to convince yourself of the idea more than anything else and you can feel Nicky's patience with the issue growing increasingly thin.

"Just do what's gonna make you happy, Vause. As long as you two stop driving me fucking nuts with this star-crossed lovers bullshit."

After that you stopped bothering her with the information, letting the thoughts swim in your head rather than voicing them aloud. The only problem was, that you don't know what will make you happy. You don't want to lose Piper, but a part of you knows she isn't really yours to lose and that fact was driving you to the brink of your sanity.

…

The second time she calls, you purposefully silence the phone. You're out with Nicky after a show one night and you refuse to let anything destroy your mood, even if that thing is Piper. Unfortunately you can't stop yourself from keeping a watchful eye on your phone and when you notice it going off again you make an immediate reach for it, earning an amused look from your friend as you attempt to look casual.

You unlock the phone to find a message from Piper and for a moment you think about blowing it off just like the phone call but it's almost impossible to resist.

From Piper:

hey i'm at ur apartment. Just wondering if u will be coming back 2nite. X

In that moment you are so tempted to leave the bar and head straight home, preferring to spend the night with her and maybe release some of the built up tension from the past few days.

The thought leaves you just as quickly as it comes when Nicky orders a round of shots for you two. You throw one back, wince as the liquid burn a trail down your throat and settles in your stomach. The idea of facing Piper tonight makes your stomach churn, so you delete the message without a second thought.

"Hey Nick."

Her eyebrows quirk up, letting you know that she is paying attention.

"Mind if I crash at your place tonight?"

…

The third time she calls it's because she spots you leaving a coffee shop. You're walking out of the door and there she is across the street. Your eyes meet and you make a note of the fact that _Larry_ is standing right next to her. You find yourself making a hasty escape into the crowds of the street, you think that you hear her call out but you don't turn around, keen on moving forward and not backtracking.

That's when your phone starts to ring and of course it's her calling. You silence your phone, feeling a small bit of guilt build up as you think about the radio silence you've been giving her. Then you think of Larry and you think she'll just fine.

When she messages you later that night to ask if you are busy, all you give her is a simple 'yes.'

…

 _You two agreed that visiting each other while Piper was away was a necessity, an unquestionable sacrifice you both would be willing to make. More often than not, you would find yourself on a bus headed to Smith's campus marking the time until you saw her standing at the station waiting for you. The first year was a little bizarre with Piper moving into a shared bedroom with Nicky of all people._

 _You had heard stories about the snarky roommate and the first time meeting her did not fail any expectations. You remember laughing until your stomach hurt at the wide eye expression that Piper sported when Nicky ran out of the bathroom soaking wet and naked to warn them there was a girl back in their room._

" _How does that not bother you?" she ask incredulously._

" _Well, it's not like it's the first girl I've seen naked Pipes."_

 _And it wasn't, all throughout high school there had been plenty of girls willing to get their experimental phase out of the way early and you were more than happy to help them out. But you had never really told Piper about any of them and after that moment she remained eerily quiet for an unprecedented amount of time._

 _While Nicky tried to get rid of the girl in their room Piper walked you around campus showing you where her classes were and places that she hung out with the friends. You stopped at the student union and bought a coffee for the both of you and for the first time since the your comment earlier she seemed to warm back up to you, giving you a small smile before taking a sip._

" _You would like the library."_

" _I have my own library back at home," you say giving her an affectionate nudge with your shoulder._

 _She smiles fondly at the thought. "I hope you haven't started your kleptomaniac ways in my absence."_

 _When you had decided to head back to the dorm for the night Nicky was there and greeted you both warmly and it wasn't long before she pulled out a water bottle filled with vodka from her fridge. Later in that night you would discover that every water bottle in Nicky's fridge was filled with some sort of liquor snuck from her mother's home._

 _You liked Nicky you decided, at first you were doubtful about anyone who would share a room with Piper but you and her seemed to get along more than she did with Piper and somewhere throughout the night she made a joke about the two of you being roommates instead. A statement that you noticed brought Piper's mood down greatly._

 _She would later go on to sign a lease on an off-campus apartment with a classmate. Nicky would leave Smith to actually find a place with you back home where she found a bartending gig that either didn't care or didn't ask about her age. Meanwhile your professor urged you to participate in a production at the university, paying you under the table for everything you would do, setting the course for your unlikely career plan. Piper and Nicky were never really friends, the only thing tying the two of them together was you._

 _You continued your trips up to Smith, for four long and agonizing years that caused an obvious strain on your friendship. Especially when she started mentioning the name Larry, or what she would_ do _with Larry, or how she lost her virginity to_ Larry.

 _That bit of information had caused to stay away for a long while, something that Piper had become painfully away consistently asking you when would be the next time she would saw you. But the information had sparked a moment of understanding in your mind. It was something you knew but never would really admit to yourself, much less mention to Piper._

 _It was a small bit of information that had planted in your mind in the early days of high school, way back when you started to realize that guys held no allure to you. It had planted itself there and grown and festered until that very specific moment, when you realized the agonizing reality of who you were and who Piper was and there was nothing you could do to cause that to change. It had surfaced like an ugly monster that wanted to haunt your dreams and eventually would work itself into your waking world._

 _You were in love with her._

…

Piper doesn't call a fourth time.

It was going on two weeks of your freeze out and you had once again found yourself out with Nicky. Spending the night at her place was something you had been making a habit of recently. There was some pretty young thing that Nicky was attempting to rope in before Lorna made an appearance for the night. Apparently the unlikely couple had been arguing and after they made they settled on a cease-fire you stay behind while they take their leave for the night. The girl was still over at the bar and it only took you a few moments of hesitation to approach her, a few shots and a few charmingly placed stories later you were stumbling out of the bar with her hanging from your side.

She left you feeling hollow and you found yourself slipping from her bed long before the sun would come up, slinking back to your apartment with thoughts of Piper tumbling around in your head like some sort of avalanche.

When you go to open your door you find it unlocked already, but in your drunken state you pass it off as carelessness until you notice a light from your bedroom the door cracked open like some sort of invitation into the pearly gates.

You swallow thickly before heading to the kitchen grabbing a beer from the fridge pulling it down a few swift gulps. You know you are only delaying the inevitable, trying to avoid the confrontation that has been building up for weeks now. You take one long deep breath before you cross your apartment to the threshold of your bedroom. You expect her to be sitting there, waiting with arms folded with the typical level of Piper temper displayed proudly on your face.

What you actually see though, melts you. Piper is there basked in the glow of your bedside lamp, but she is curled up on your bed facing the doorway. She is clutching your pillow like it was the anchor holding her down to earth as she sleeps. You take a long moment just staring at her like some precious artifact that you have no right or permission to touch and suddenly you find shame welling up inside you for slipping into someone else's bed when she has been here, waiting for you.

You walk over to the lamp, switching it off before you cross to the other side of the bed. The busy city outside giving you enough light to strip your clothes and slip underneath the covers beside her. You gently pry the pillow from her grasp, waking her in the process and she stares at you with watery red-rimmed eyes. Then she is scrambling for you, holding on to you tighter than anyone has ever held you and it feels like she has wrapped her fingers around your heart.

"Alex."

"Not now Piper."

She nods into your chest but you feel her shaking, an involuntary movement that has nothing to do with the temperature in the room and the next thing you know you feel moisture on your skin. A lump forms in your throat and you begin to hate yourself for being able to elicit this kind of response from her, you hide the shakiness in your breathing by burying your face into her hair.

"I'll be here."

"What-,"

"I'm not leaving, I'll be here. I promise."

"Okay, Pipes. Just go to sleep. I got you."

You plant a small kiss on her neck and despite her promise you don't get your hopes up. She has made the promise before and every time you've woken up alone. But you hold her anyway, waiting until her shaking slowly subsides and eventually you feel her breathing even out. Shortly, after you follow her into oblivion.

…

 **AN: I also thank alcohol, especially whiskey. Whiskey is a fucking champ for helping me write this chapter.**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: This was a beast to write, I can honestly say several parts were rewritten multiple times and I'm still not entirely happy with it. I hope you guys enjoy though. Thanks for all the reviews and everything too, you guys are truly amazing.**

 **Also, sorry for any mistakes. I didn't have time to proof read before I went off to work but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging for any longer.**

…

It's not the first time this week that you've woken up to a splitting headache, most of your adventures with Nicky ended up with a similar side-affect. But for the first time in a while you wake up in your own bed, with your eyes tightly squeezed against the light drifting in through your window, slapping you across the face in a hateful manner. It takes a moment for your other sense to fully awaken until you realize there is someone folded into your side, and you feel a gentle hand brushing across your cheek.

Your eyes flutter open to meet bright blue, a sea of emotions swimming in a tired set of eyes roaming over your features with calculated ease. For a long second you just stare at her caught somewhere between awe and thankfulness as you realize she kept her promise, something that had slipped out of your mind the moment she uttered the words.

You open your mouth to speak but a groan of discomfort comes out instead as you feel your stomach churn. You hear her chuckle and a moment of shuffling passes as you as feel something cold being pressed into your hand. You look from her to the water trying to process this as reality before you sit up to drink the entire glass down, once empty you place it back onto the bedside table and fall back to the pillows with closed eyes.

You feel her shuffle up next to you once more, her nose skimming the flesh of your neck. A shiver runs up your spine as her hand dances over the skin of your stomach, drawing gentle patterns like a figure skater on ice.

You're drifting back to sleep when you feel her breath brush over your cheekbones. "We need to talk, Al."

"A little too early for me right now Pipes," you huff in annoyance.

You feel her nod as her lips brush lightly against your neck. "Promise me we will though."

You let out a deep sigh. "I promise."

You open your eyes to meet hers and you watch silently as her lids droop, noting how bloodshot her eyes appeared. Her expression is far more weary compared to the last time you saw her but eventually the look fades as she falls back into what seems like a fitful slumber. You pull her closer to you, stroking her hair as if attempting to brush away any evil thoughts.

You fight the urge to fall back to sleep, mostly because you are too anxious at the thought of her disappearing again despite the unlikely recent turn of events.

You just lay there letting the moment sink in to your mind, marveling at how oddly domestic this whole situation feel and for a moment you can't help but be slightly possessive. The way she latched onto you last night and holding you like you were the only thing in the world worth holding planted a small seed of hope. As you watch her sleep, her lips set in a firm line and her forehead slightly bunched up you can't help but think _'yes, this woman is mine.'_

 _But she isn't._

Another sigh falls from you lips. You need to clear your head, so with the utmost care you attempt to remove her from your side catching her head before it fell too heavily onto the pillow. You take another long moment to just look before you hastily pull on a shirt and sweatpants.

…

You're sitting at the window seat, chain smoking cigarettes as you try to process what's happening. As you take a drag by the open window you remember the first time you tried to quit. Piper had purchased all sort of natural remedies, everything from frankincense, to forcing you onto morning runs which only resulted in you keeled over coughing a lung up. By the time she recommended and actually booked an appointment for acupuncture you quit on basic principle. Piper was practically beaming when you finally gave in.

You frown as you realize how pissed she is going to be to find out that you've relapsed into old habits. As if on cue, you hear the bedroom door squeak open, you pretend as if you don't notice looking through your phone as you continue to blow smoke out of the window.

"Those things will kill you, you know."

Your meet her gaze but you don't dignify her with a respond, instead you take a long drag all the while not breaking eye contact. She takes a few careful steps towards you eyeing you carefully as if you were a wounded animal likely to attack if threatened.

"I forgot how hot you look when you smoke though."

Definitely not the reaction you were expecting.

You scoff reaching forward through the window to ash the cigarette on the front of the build, you feel rather than see her join you on the window seat and against your better judgement you turn to look at her. For some reason whenever moments like this one occurred with Piper, she had a way of making you feel like a petulant child preparing to be scolded by your mother.

"Alex-,"

"Do you want breakfast?"

You slide off the window seat not even bothering to check if she was intended to follow you into the kitchen. You cross the threshold and make a beeline for the fridge; in terms of food all you really had was left over take out and a carton of eggs that upon further inspection turned up to be empty. You rub your forehead thinking of places that you could run to pick something up. The idea was a rather appealing means of escape from the situation at hand.

"Al."

You spare a quick glance at her making a point of looking in the fridge. "I haven't gone shopping recently-,"

"Alex-,"

"-so I was going to run out real quick-,"

"Alex!"

Another heavy sigh falls from your lips as you turn to meet her gaze, folding your arms across your chest. Piper was standing there with nothing but one of your old band shirts and underwear on, her pose mimicking yours perfectly as a look of agitation and, you think, _sadness_ bled across her features.

"Alex, you promised."

Your tongue comes out to wet your lips. You approach her pushing your glasses up into your hair and stop with only a hairsbreadth of space between the two of you. "Guess we're both good at breaking promises, Pipes."

…

 _The irony of Piper's desire to talk now was not lost on you._

 _There have been countless times throughout the years in which you recall the initial blow to your sense of self in regards to the arrangement between you and her._

 _It was Piper's 21_ _st_ _birthday and you had made the trip up to Smith without hesitation, ever since she had moved into an apartment off-campus she no longer made the trip back home for the summer expect on rare occasions where she would come visit you, making sure that no one in the Chapman household knew anything about her presence._

 _You had surprised her, showing up at her apartment a little before she would get off work for the evening. It was a tiring endeavor but the look on Piper's face as she walked into her bedroom to see you laying there reading a book on her bed was well worth the trouble._

" _I wish I had known you were coming up."_

" _That's why it's called a surprise Piper," you said with a smirk._

 _She shoves you playfully. "I know, I'm just supposed to meet up with Larry tomorrow."_

 _You hid the frown that begins to etch itself across by presenting her with her birthday gift and immediately she is cracking open the bottle of tequila you hand over to her. She heads of to the kitchen to grab chasers leaving you to look around her room absently, you try to ignore the picture of her and Larry sitting on the desk._

 _You're relieved that your thoughts can't wander as she walks back in juggling multiple cans of soda in her hands. You talk about insignificant things here and there while she waste no time in making the transition from sober to giggling and clumsy. At one point you bring up the idea of her actually making it to the bar, but she just insists on the idea of staying here with you and for some reason she turns on The Smiths. You just laugh as she poorly attempts to sing along to "There is a Light that Never Goes Out," the lyrics slurring off her tongue as she attempts to serenade you._

 _You point that she hasn't changed out of her work clothes yet._

" _I'm going to get a shower," she announces._

" _Try not to fall," you chuckle, watching as she attempts to grab a towel from her cupboard. She stumbles backwards and you're immediately behind her, catching her so she wouldn't get hurt. She turns to look at you, your faces only a few inches apart. Her expression is unreadable as she gazes at you with heavy lids._

" _Well maybe you should help me then."_

 _She is laughing as she walks out of the door to head to the bathroom and you're thankful for the moment to calm yourself down. But the image of Piper standing under the warm spray of the shower sparked an all too familiar sensation in the pit of your stomach and when she wanders back in all wet hair and shining skin peak out from under her robe your mouth runs dry. You take another shot to cover it up._

 _She doesn't redress, rather, she falls back on to her bed and you are trying desperately to look anywhere besides her low-neckline and exposed legs. You're sitting at the desk and you rock back on the chair, letting the two front legs lift of the ground as you think about how enticing the cigarettes in your duffle bag are in this moment._

 _You glance back at the desk, the picture of her and Larry staring back at you. "How is Terry?"_

" _I don't know. How's Sarah?" Piper counters, flashing you an amused look._

 _You arch an eyebrow. "Do you mean Sam?"_

 _She flashes you a shit-eating grin. "Did you mean_ Larry _?"_

 _You shrug "But you've never dated anyone named Terry." You continue rocking back and forth in the chair, removing your glasses to make it appear as if you were in deep thought "Because for me there_ was _a Sarah, but there is also a Sam." Her face falls slightly an expression that makes you feel like you kicked her puppy._

" _Why are you making that face?"_

 _She just shakes her head giving you a small strained smile. "I'm just glad you're here."_

" _Me too, kid."_

 _Time begins to bleed together after that. You know that you've probably had too much to drink and you're positive that Piper is more far-gone than you. At some point Piper changes the music, a mix of soft voice and gentle strumming on a guitar and at some point you end up sitting her bed teasing her about some of the songs._

 _Eventually you say something that causes her to shove you playfully, it throws you off balance and you fall on the bed next to her. At first she is in a panic, afraid that she somehow hurt you but you just chuckle at her pulling her closer, one hand soothingly stroking her back through the plush of her robe the other playing with the still damp hairs at the nape of her neck. She looks at with something akin to wonder and you just smile as you pull her in closer. And yes you're drunk but the music is soft and quiet and Piper's skin is warm and even though there is Larry and there is also Sam you're just so damn happy that you can't think to pull away from this moment._

 _At some point darkness begins to edge into your vision and you're almost asleep when you feel her shifting around, she places her hand on top of your own that was laying motionlessly upon her cheek, her thumb stroking the back._

 _Then she leans forward and kisses you._

 _It was as simple, a small tentative meeting of your lips before she is pulling back, mumbling a drunken apology. You tell her that it's okay, because really it was more than okay, in fact you can't think of anything more amazing. So she leans forward again, this time a more brazen her hand coming up to cup your cheek in a moment that is particularly brave in terms of Piper._

 _At some point she had pulled you on top of her, you're too lost in the haze of the tequila and anything that has to do with Piper to notice the subtle shift. When you bite down on her lower lip at one point her hips rise to meet yours and you both groan._

 _At some point your hand pulls loss the tie of her robe and without warning she was pulling your shirt off. It wasn't smooth, it was clumsy and fumbling and at one point your shirt gets caught on your necklace but once the garment was removed you are both left laughing, a nervous sort of giggle that begins to melt the uncertainty that is weighing in your stomach._

 _You look down at her bare in front of you, skin flushed in the dim light of her room and it's one of the many moments in your life where you think Piper Chapman is achingly beautiful. So you tell her that, and then you're rambling unable to stop yourself from asking if she was okay, if she is sure about this and not soon enough she silences you by bringing her lips to yours once again. Everything is gentle and slow but your mind was working at a thousand miles an hour, taking your time and letting Piper's gasps guide but at the same time you couldn't begin to fathom that you and Piper are actually here in this moment._

 _But every time you look up Piper is there and everything is so real and when you taste her for the first time you know there is no way your subconscious could make something like this up. When she tumbles over the edge her hands are pulling on your hair so roughly that it almost hurts and your name is falling from her lips like a quiet prayer._

 _She pulls you up to her face to kiss you delicately and you watch as she fights sleep. You feel your heart melting with each second that passes while you hear her breathing even out barely audible under the soft tone of the music playing. And you don't normally listen to The Smiths but in that moment with the melancholy of "Asleep" sweeping through the room a sense of foreboding fills you._

 _Before your eyes close, they unintentionally find the picture of Piper and Larry. You pull her closer to you, burying your face into her hair, trying to burn the image out of your mind._

…

 _You're woken by the feeling of her slipping out of your embrace and your eyes immediately snap open to see her pulling clothes from her dresser. There is a few seconds of processing before you come to the realization that she is getting ready to leave._

" _Where are you going?"_

 _She glances over her shoulder at you. "I have to meet Larry, remember?"_

" _Tell him you can't make it," you insist without hesitation._

 _She gives you an odd smile. "I was supposed to meet his parents today."_

 _What?_

 _You sit up, hooking your feet over the edge of the mattress. "Piper, we need to talk."_

 _Her smile falters slightly. "I know and we will." She leans down to kiss you. "I promise."_

 _What, what?_

 _She walks out of the door with one last lingering look at you before disappearing._

 _You wouldn't be there by the time she returned. You left getting an early bus home feeling embarrassed, hurt and more than enough self-pity to justify the decision in your mind. When she calls you later that day, she doesn't bring up your absence and she doesn't talk about the events of last night either. You don't either, instead you listen her as she tell you about Larry's parents, biting back everything you desperately want to scream._

…

It's been over an hour since you left Piper in your apartment. You had been aimlessly walking around trying to let your mind sort itself out. You think about how you felt when the moment that would go to exponentially shape the course of your life was completely blown off. At first you felt self-righteous about your decision to leave her early, like it somehow would nullify the residual resentment. But now all you feel is guilt.

A voice in your subconscious that sounds annoyingly like Nicky tells you to man up and you're ducking into the nearest coffee shop purchasing muffins, bagels and coffee. You're not sure if Piper will be there anymore but either way you swallow your pride and make the trek back to your apartment, thinking all the while about what you will say to her.

The door is still open as you get back, juggling the bag and coffee carrier you use your foot to close the door behind you. Piper is curled up on the couch, the television buzzing softly on the other side of the room. She doesn't look at you as you shuffle off to the kitchen. You take your time bringing out plates and putting food on the coffee table in front of her before finally sitting down next to her.

While you're relieved that she is still her you can't quite grasp the proper way to proceed so you blurt out the only thing that you can think will encourage her to speak.

"I'm sorry. About earlier."

Real fucking smooth Vause.

She is observing you, fingers tightly clutching her coffee like a cross. You always feel like you've been able to read Piper so well, but somehow in the last few weeks you've lost that ability. The emotion on her face wasn't something you could place, a sort of emptiness that you couldn't really comprehend.

"Me too, Al. I'm sorry."

And you almost wish that could be it that everything else would fade away. But you're not naïve enough to believe that there isn't so much more to be said, that there wasn't six years of unspoken words dancing on the tip of your tongue.

"I know I've been distant lately, but Jesus Alex, did you really think ignoring me was going to make things better."

You laugh bitterly taking your glasses off your face to rub your eyes. "I don't know what I thought Piper." You lean your head on your hand as your green eyes meet blue. When you speak this time, your tone is much tender. "So what's wrong?"

She slumps further down on the couch and don't recall a time in which you've seen her look so defeated. "The school is taking about budget cuts and layoffs, not just us but every school in the city."

"So what does that mean for you?" you ask but you already know the answer before it's said.

She clears her throat as if the next words were lodged there. "They have said anything yet, but chances are I won't have a job come next year."

"Pipes…"

"But Larry apparently knows something about a position at a private school outside of the city, so he's been helping me fix up my resume."

As she speaks you feel a heaviness leaden in your chest and wonder how you could be any more of a selfish asshole until the next words come flying out of your mouth. "So you're back with Larry then?"

 _Really?_

Her eyebrows furrow. "Would it matter if I was?"

 _Yes._

"No."

"We aren't back together," she says dryly.

You nod slowly, a sense of relief flooding you.

"Alex," her voice is quieter a sense of sadness creeping in. "If I get laid off and I don't manage to get this job I could lose my apartment, I've already lost Polly and Larry. My parents have pretty much disowned me." She takes a shuttering breath. "I can't lose you too."

Your heart in your throat you say, "You won't Pipes." And it's true, because you're not sure you could handle a life without Piper Chapman. "I promise." You reach for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as your fingers intertwine. "And it will be okay, you're amazing at your job. Those kids love you, they'd be crazy to cut you loose."

She graces you with a small sad smile before a yawn scrunches up her features. So you pull a blanket over her and she tucks herself into your side. You run your hands through her hair. "I'm sorry for acting so crazy Pipes."

But she is already asleep. So you make a silent apology for the feelings that made you act that way, and a promise to try and move on.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Hey guys, I'm so so so sorry about the long delay and also for the lack of content in this chapter despite that, my life is a little crazy right now and to be honest, I rewrote this chapter several times hating everything I managed to type out. I appreciate all of the reviews, favs and follows honestly it makes me very happy that you are all enjoying this story as much as you are. I'm going to try and make and hold a promise of updating at least once a week from here on out (but please be patient if that doesn't happen).**

 **Otherwise, here's the next chapter. I hope you guys like it.**

…

"What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?"

You barely spare a glance at Nicky as you continue to work on your computer, you were currently talking back and forth with the director discussing the newest crisis in terms of the show. It would appear that you need to find a new leading lady after last night's run in which the woman slipped off the stage and broke her ankle. She had managed through the run of the show for the night but it was clear that with her newly disabled leg that a replacement would be necessary. You were both throwing back and forth names of potential replacements, but as of now the search had come up dry.

Suddenly the laptop is being shut in your face and you immediately shoot a poisonous look at your friend. "What the fuck Nichols?"

"Don't invite me over to your place just to ignore me the whole time you asshole," Nicky countered, sounding more annoyed than she actually was.

"I didn't invite you," you huff. "You just decided to show up."

"Well you let me in the door so you pretty much invited me."

You lean back on the sofa rolling your neck before uttering, "single."

Nicky had the grace to look confused so you dredged on. "What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails: single. You've told me that joke a hundred times before."

Nicky flashed a mercurial grin. "You know who has long fingernails?"

You give a disinterested grunt, not really caring about the answer or to see where this line of thinking was leading the conversation.

"Piper."

 _Great._

Wordlessly you get up from the sofa and walk to the kitchen, as soon as you crack the fridge open you hear her calling from the other room asking you to bring her a beer.

"Get it yourself you fucking midget," you call back, grabbing a bottle for yourself. You make your way back to the entryway of the living room, propping yourself against the door frame before taking a sip.

"But I'm your guest," Nicky says indignantly.

You raise an eyebrow. "You're more of an intruder than anything else."

"Tell me Vause," she begins walking over to the fridge to grab her own drink. "Are you so grumpy lately because of the fact that you're laid."

"Did you really just ask me that?"

She smirks. "I'm just observing that Piper has been letting her fingernails grow out."

"You haven't even seen Piper in weeks."

She takes a purposeful sip of beer. "How would you know?"

Truth is you wouldn't, as a matter of fact you hadn't seen much of Piper since the morning that you decided to make a run for it and that was over a week ago. On occasion you'll still come home expecting to find her sitting there, grading papers or doing some other mundane task but that has only happened once and beforehand Piper had taken it upon herself to receive explicit permission from you to come over. You could physical feel the rift that was slowly ripping open between the two of you, that was certain but how to handle and whether you had a desire to face it was a completely different monster in its own right.

"Whatever," you mutter petulantly. "So is there a reason you came here, other than to antagonize me about Piper?"

"Right," Nicky's tone lightens as if having some great epiphany. "Next weekend is your birthday."

You raise an eyebrow. "And…?"

"And…," she mimics. "The weekend of the trip."

You basically give yourself a mental slap in the face, you had completely forgotten about the trip mostly due to the amount chaos that has been thrown your way. "Shit, I don't think I can go."

"What the fuck Vause? You promised."

"I know." You run your hand over your face as if that will somehow wipe the exhaustion from your features. "I just have so much shit to deal with right now."

"Well, whose gonna go with me?" she persists, following you as you turn back into the living room.

"I don't know," you admit, dropping aimlessly onto the sofa. "Ask Piper."

"Fuck no," Nicky whines. "With all the dyke drama between you two I'd rather go by myself than with her."

Your patience with Nicky's badgering had been growing increasingly thin from the moment she walked in the door. That's how you justify the seething anger that roots itself in your voice. "Then why don't you just fucking do that!"

Nicky just takes it in stride, she seems fully aware the fact that she has been pushing your buttons and only basking in her own amusement from getting a rise out of you. Her face takes on a more serious tone now. "Seriously Vause, you need a day or two away. Even Lorna, who is normally stuck in her own drama, can tell you're stressing out."

"I'm fine," you counter, but even you can hear how unconvincing the phrase actually sounds, you place your bottle on the table with a sign. "I'll see what I can do Nick, but no promises."

Your phone goes off twice. There is a message from Piper, telling you that she intends to stop over later 'if it's okay with you.' The other message is from your director, its two small words holding a name that you are more than familiar with.

Sylvia Rhodes.

…

 _You remember her well. She was a freshman your senior year and for the most part you two never interacted with each other considering that her talents never landed her in the shows you would work. There would be times where you would catch her staring at you, in between classes and at small parties with the other students._

 _It wasn't until that spring semester that the two of you actually spoke to each other, she had successfully pulled off an audition that warranted a small role in the large faculty directed show. The staring had become increasingly more obvious and on many occasions after the actors had been dismissed she would stay behind to help you clean up the stage, which often led to long discussions about school, other actors, and general things of interest for the both of you._

 _She asked you to call her. Twice._

 _The first time was this shy request, spoken so softly that she had to repeat herself for you to hear. You had to admit that the way her cheeks flushed was rather endearing when you had started calling her Sylvie and the way her eyes lit up when you spoke to her made you feel like you were someone to be admired._

" _She sounds cute."_

 _At least that is what Piper had said when you started telling her about the girl, but her voice sounded bored and you quickly dropped the topic after that._

 _The second time she asked you to call you were staying in the theatre after rehearsal, typing up a report for the night, she seemed a little more forceful this time and upset that you hadn't already taken her up on the offer._

" _I did call you."_

 _She smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, but that was because I was late for rehearsal."_

 _You smirked not looking away from the screen of your computer. A short, slightly awkward silence encompassed the two of you as you continued to work._

" _You are-," she stutters to a stop as if she was collecting herself to form the next statement. "You are gay right?"_

 _You can't help but laugh a little as you pull off your glasses to rub at your eyes. "Yes," you say. "I am."_

 _She seems to relax a little but the tension doesn't entirely leave her face. "So…are you seeing someone or something?"_

 _You rub your chin pretending to be in deep thought over her question. "Someone…no. Something…still no."_

 _She shoves your shoulder gently, all signs of anxiety melting from her as you laugh at your own terrible humor. You go back to working on your computer, another silence wedging its way between you and you think for a moment that she is probably ready to leave._

" _Do you wanna get coffee sometime?" she blurts out._

 _The requests pauses you, because this isn't how it normally goes._ You _are always the one asking the other girl out, confidently charming them in a way that Nicky continues to envy. Recently that hadn't been the case, it's not as if there hasn't been anyone of interest but ever since your experience with Piper last summer you can't even wrap your mind around the idea of dating._

 _But Sylvie was nice and you would be lying if you said you didn't find her attractive. More importantly she liked_ you _. And you realize that you have been leaving the poor girl hanging as you watch her face slowly fall as if preparing for your rejection._

" _Sure," you say, fitting a smile onto your face. "How about tomorrow?"_

 _She blinks slowly like she is waiting for the punchline of a joke. "You know I mean as, like, a date right?"_

" _Yep," you confirm with a smirk._

 _She flashes you a full out grin. "Okay," she says. "Tomorrow?"_

" _Tomorrow," you reaffirm as you close your laptop and begin packing up your backpack. You throw her a wink. "I'll call you."_

 _And you do. And the two of you end up going on several dates, all of which are nice and you're thankful that the younger girl seems content with keeping things between you rather casual. Things are going great for a month and for the first time in a while considering the idea of a relationship._

 _That is until March rounds the corner and your birthday marks itself on your calendar. Because Piper shows up to surprise you, but she doesn't just show up. She comes to your apartment late that night wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath. And despite your conviction to let what happened between you and her remain a one-time thing all your protest die on your lips as she leans into you, her naked body pressed up against your own and whispers in your ear heatedly._

" _I wanna taste what you taste like."_

 _Sylvie is the last thing on your mind that night and the next time you see her you break things off claiming that things are getting too busy with graduation coming up. She accepts it, smiling sadly and eventually starts dating Sam or Sarah or whichever fucking ex of yours that suffered the same sort of Piper related fate in terms of your relationship._

 _After that hooking up with Piper became a more regular occurrence and once it became apparent that would be the case, you dare to ask her about Larry._

" _Let's not talk about Larry, ever."_

 _It left little room for protest and so you never talked about Larry or whatever it was that you two were doing. And that's how it remained._

…

The director gave her a second chance to audition and by the end he was beaming, going on and on about how lucky they were that she was still available. So that sealed the deal, directly after you handed her an extra copy of the script with blocking notations and line cuts included expecting to be met with hostility. But she just smiles warmly you at you.

"Long time no see, Al."

You take a moment to look at her, haircut shorter and eyes a little bit more world-weary then you remember but just as attractive all the same. You smile back voicing your agreement.

She bites her lip and your eyes focus on the motion a little too long. "You should call me sometime, maybe we can grab a drink, catch up."

You laugh at the familiarity of the request. "Sure."

She leaves giving you a smile that lets you know that she is well aware of how unlikely that will be. But you _do_ consider it, all day actually, until Piper calls you asking to come over. You order takeout, watch old movies and bullshit for a better part of the night and when she leaves she places a lingering kiss on your cheek.

The next day you ask your director about the trip with Nicky and he doesn't even blink an eye when he tells you to go ahead and to just leave your prompt book behind. And after the events of the past few weeks you think that the trip could not come at a better time.

 **AN: I know what you are all thinking, "oh god not Sylvie." I wasn't intending to put her in the story, but I think for canon reasons it would be better to use her than an OC. Trust me her character is important for the progression of this story. Thanks for the love guys.**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: So I actually have a bit of playlist for this chapter, it was a beast to write and I'm not completely satisfied with it (because I never am). Anyway, the song inspirations are listed below. Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, I truly appreciate you guys taking the time to let me know what you think.**

 **Drive – Adelitas Way**

 **Do I Wanna Know? – Artic Monkeys**

 **Between Two Points – The Glitch Mob ft. Swan**

 **Face It – NF**

 **PS: don't mind the typos too much. This chapter is unbeta'd as always.**

…

"So, Vause 12 o'clock right?"

"Right."

"Not 11:45, not 12:30. Twelve o'clock."

"Okay…wait why the fuck can't I come early?"

"I mean, take your chances but I might have plans to rub one out before you get here."

"There's an image I could've lived without."

"You asked."

…

You spent most of Thursday night packing and double checking everything with the assistant stage-manager who would be running the show for you in your absence. Throughout the week you had been trying to make yourself slightly scarce during rehearsal for a multitude of reasons, mostly because you want to see how the guy will handle himself without you around but a smaller part of you was just trying to stay out of eyesight from Sylvie.

You know it's kind of childish and immature considering you only dated for a month more than five years ago but you still felt guilt whenever you looked at the girl and a strong sense of self hate about all of the what-if's that you blew over an affair with Piper. It's not as if she had done anything to really antagonize you either, in fact she was a blessing to work with, cooperative and respectful to everyone involved with the show. Plus she was kicking ass when it came to acting. You're just grateful you won't have to see her for a few days.

At some point throughout the night, Piper comes over. It's the first time she shows up uninvited or unannounced for a while now, but not unwelcomed. She sneaks up behind you as you're pulling clothes from your dresser, her arms wrapping around your waist and her lips brushing lightly on the back of your neck.

"Hey." There is a ridiculous smile working its way across your face. "What're doing here?"

She leans back against your bed and you watch her hands as they fidget with the edges of the comforter. "Well, I heard that this girl was going out of town." She glances up at you almost shyly. "And I was kind of hoping to spend some time with her before she left."

"Well, sorry to break this to you but Nicky isn't here."

She looks utterly confused for a moment before you dissolve into a fit of laughter, you hear her snap her fingers in false disappointment. "You know, I thought I was heading to the wrong apartment." She shrugs helplessly. "It's a bit late to catch a different cab."

That was kind of bullshit, it was only 6 o'clock but you play along anyway. "Guess you'll just have to stay here for the night."

"If that's okay with you."

You have to bite back the frustrated sound that threatens to escape you, because whether Piper was here or not was never the problem for you it was the feeling of emptiness after she left without so much as a goodbye. But you're beyond talking about that at this point, you're just so fucking tired of Piper feeling like a stranger.

"Of course it's okay." Your voice is terse but if Piper notices the shift in your mood she doesn't comment. You feel her gaze trail over you watching in silent deliberation as you toss shirts into the bag at your feet. You hear the bed shift and slowly ever so gently you feel fingers tips graze over brushing the hair out of your eyes.

"Is everything okay?" Her voice, if possible is even more careful than her touch, grazing over you in a way that made it _feel_ like everything was okay.

You give a small flicker of a smile. "Yeah, of course."

That seems to satisfy her, she matches your smile and leans forward to brush her lips lightly against your own. It was those subtle nuances about Piper's behavior, the small actions and gentle touches that you know probably mean nothing but always kindle that small flame of hope in your stomach; a flame that you have learn to throw dirt over every time in fear of permanently fucking everything.

"I brought some wine and food," she says, her face still so close that her breath ghosts over your lips. "I know how you forget to eat when you're busy."

She does know, truth be told you only stop for coffee this entire day. But any feeling of hunger is immediately eliminated when she grabs ahold of your belt loops and pulls in you for a firmer kiss, this one you fall into with a second thought capturing her bottom lip with your teeth. The shirt in your hand falls forgotten to the floor as your hands weave around her waist and an involuntary moan slips through your lips as her hands weave through your scalp.

When she finally breaks away, you're both gasping for air; her face is veiled by her hair and you brush the blonde strands away, her eyes flick up to you heavy-lidded and pupils blown out. You feel a smirk work its way on to your lips. "Seems like you have other plans."

She laughs and there is that smile again, that smile of true happiness that is so hard to pull out of her. It makes your heart melt.

"Sorry," she murmurs. "I really miss doing that."

Thoughtlessly your lips find each other again and you really _really_ try to focus on the moment, just let it be what it is because you were starting to forget what Piper's lips tasted like. But a small, no an enormous part of you, thinks maybe this was the chance the opportunity to dredge up a conversation that you both let sit on the back burn for years.

You pull yourself away just mumble her name in a tone that sounds longing but you hoped conveyed so much more. Her index presses to your lips and when she speaks its pleading, desperate, practically begging. "No talking, no thinking. Please."

And you wonder if ever there is a time in which you'll just simply be able to say no to this woman. You desperately hope one day you'll be able to forgo her wishes just for a moment so that you can finally speak your own. But that moment isn't now.

…

You wake the next morning to the feeling of feather light touches brushing over the bare skin of your stomach. You allow your eyes to remain shut, letting the gentle caresses ease you from your slumber as you work over the events of the night before.

You and Piper were wrapped up in each other for hours, despite your better judgement and the soon to be repercussions filling your mind. By the time you actually ate, the food that she brought with her was long cold over and at one point (you're not sure of the time) you finished packing your things away for the trip. In between all that you had found yourself in various stages of undress around Piper and in various places throughout your apartment. Whenever you would pull yourself away for too long her hands and lips would coax you back, making you feel more intoxicated than the wine she had delivered.

You stretch your sore muscles, but you feel more rejuvenated than you have in weeks. The hands brushing over your ribcage works their way up until they are brush your breast, teasing around the nipple before her lips land on yours and your hips buck involuntarily at the skin on skin contact. The touch breaks moments later as she travels down leaving teasing open mouth caresses over your skin.

"Shouldn't you be at work," you mumbling. Even if that were the case, it wasn't in you to make her stop her journey.

"I called off," she husks in between kisses. "They are going to fire me anyway, so fuck it."

The dejected tone in her voice makes you want to stop her and pulling her in tight, as if that will somehow solve all of the misfortune that has falling upon her. "They'd be crazy to do that, kid. In a few weeks you'll find out that you're just being paranoid. You'll be okay, Pipes."

All of her ministrations stop for a moment and it's the first time that morning that you allow your eyes to break open. She is looking up at you with the soft, adoring look that break something inside of you.

"You're the only one that believes in me."

You can't speak through the lump that forms in your throat, rather you just bring your hand up to gently caress through her hair. She breaks eye contact quickly after that, her mouth coming down to tease one of your nipples into her mouth, her hand tracing the contours of your stomach once more before reaching to your center.

Your eyes fall closed, your hips rolling again as you get lost in the sensation. She is building you up quickly, almost mercilessly until-

Your phone goes off. Once and then again a minute later. When it goes off a third time you resist the urge to throw it across the room. Until the sound of November Rain starts rolling from its speakers.

 _Nicky._

"Ignore it."

Like so many other time you can't bring yourself to deny Piper of her request. So you let it fall to voicemail, allowing yourself to feel Piper as she lets her mouth trace the same path as her hand had minutes before.

November Rain sings through the air once more and with a frustrated groan you grope for your phone, answering it while Piper continues making her way downward.

"Hello." Your voice comes out huskier than usual and you hope Nicky mistakes it for sleepiness rather than desire.

"Where the fuck are you Vause?"

You clear your throat. "What time is it?"

"Twelve fucking thirty you Sasquatch, are you just waking up?"

 _Fuck._

"Uh yeah-." Your voice catches in your throat as Piper wraps her lips around your clit. "Listen Nick, I'll just meet you at the bus station."

You hear Nicky grumble in irritation on the other end while you bite your lip desperately trying to suppress the moan that you feel coiling in your throat.

"The bus leaves at 2. You better hurry the fuck up."

"I will," you rasp, trying to end the call. "Don't worry."

You have to angle the phone away when a whimper slips past you lips as Piper slips a digit into you.

"Fine," Nicky finally huffs. "Tell Piper I said good morning."

She is laughing as you hang up the phone without a dismal and it's only moments later that your body tenses up only to melt back down to the mattress. You're taking large gasping breathes as Piper crawls back up to you, place a needy kiss on your lips and you wished desperately that you could just stay in bed for the rest of the day.

"Nicky says good morning." You voice is almost swallowed by her probing tongue. You reluctantly force yourself to break away. "I really have to go."

"I know." Her voice is just as disappointed as you feel, but that doesn't stop her from following you into the shower. You make her come twice pinned against the shower wall before you're satisfied and when you part in front of your apartment complex she leaves you with a lingering kiss.

You make to the bus station with only moments to spare. Nicky gives you a smirk as she takes in you appearance but mercifully she says nothing. When you both sit on the bus she pops her ear buds and you fall back to sleep, the taste of Piper still lingering on your lips.

…

 _It's only been an hour since you opened the door to find Piper, suitcase at her feet wearing only a nightgown telling you that she and Larry were finished. It was common knowledge to the both of you that Larry at been sleeping with Polly. They were terrible at keeping it a secret, according to Piper, always sneak glances at each other and disappearing at odd times showing up together for no apparent reason. But something had happened._

" _They fell in love," she mutters, her voice scratchy and raw the way you know it gets when she spends too much time screaming. "I guess I deserve that."_

 _She is curled up next to you in bed, you had pulled in her so close that it was hard to tell where her body ends and yours begins. Your hand which had previously been stroking her hair in an effort to sooth her, abruptly stops. "What do you mean?"_

 _She falls away from you for a moment, her head landing on a pillow causing her hair to fan out behind her, her breathing suddenly turns ragged and moisture begins to gather in her eyes. "Maybe I don't deserve love."_

 _The soft words make your heart feel like it's breaking in half and for a moment all you can think of doing is pressing your lips to her, begging her to believe that couldn't be farther from the truth. Because she does deserve love,_ you _love her but when she pulls your lips to her you know that isn't what she needs right now. This desperate, needy touch that taste like tears and sadness reminds you that the version of Piper in front of you, while achingly beautiful, is heartbroken. So you kiss her back and eventually clothes are shed._

 _As you stare her laying bare beneath you have to say_ something _. "You know it's not true Piper." She leans into your touch as you brush a stray piece of hair away. "You deserve everything."_

 _She just gives you this sad smile and she is pulling you back to her, letting her actions speak more than her words in this moment. After, with her head resting on your chest, your hands weaving through hair once more you feel the weight of so many unspoken words hanging between the two of you. She begins talking, apologizing really for showing up like this and in true Piper fashion she starts rambling. She promises that she'll start looking for a new apartment come tomorrow._

" _Stay here as long as you need, Pipes." Your voice almost sounds a little too eager you know, but she doesn't seem to pick up on it. "Stay with me."_

 _She places a kiss on your sternum and she mumbles sleepily, this half coherent thought that you can't even imagine how respond. "I don't deserve you."_

 _You want to protest but she is already asleep. You don't find sleep quite as easy, because you know whether or not Piper Chapman deserves you, she has you. All of you._

…

When Nicky said upstate New York, what she actually meant was Canada. You get through customs with fairly no issues, although you almost punch Nicky in the face when she pretends to have forgotten her passport. The hotel she had booked was only a few blocks away from Niagara Falls and as you step off the bus, the roar of the water welcomes you. It's dark already by the time you check into the hotel and you shoot her a look when you come to the realization that there is only one king size bed in the room.

"Hey, I thought I was coming with Lorna."

You drop your bag on the floor. "Fine, but if I wake up to you spooning me I'll throw you out of the bed."

She shuffles around looking for her cigarettes, pulling her jacket on. "Alright, well I had original booked a dinner for me and Lorna but I hear the place has a pretty kickass bar, so let's go."

You're exhausted honestly, but you know staying in the hotel for the night isn't an option for Nicky so you grab your jacket before stepping out into the cold Canadian air. You walk through the brightly lit strip, both of you smoking cigarettes until Nicky points out the restaurant. The inside is immaculate, with high crested ceilings and finely decorated stone walls. Nicky scouts out the bar within seconds and by the time you reach her she is already ordering a round of shots.

"You know Nick, we could get shitfaced at home and it would've been a hell of a lot cheaper."

She just shrugs as she hands you a shot, not waiting for you to before downing her own. "Whatever Vause, everything is on me for the weekend. Happy fucking birthday."

The prepaid phone that you picked up for the trip goes off and Nicky rolls her eyes. "If that's blondie, tell her you're mine for the weekend."

It was Piper.

 **Pipes:**

 **hope u got there safe. don't get in too much trouble ;)**

The message doesn't seem to warrant a response but before you could even think of anything to say the device is being snatched out of your hands. As protests begin to slip out of your mouth, Nicky silences you with a quick look. "I'm just trying to give you the best 27th birthday you'll ever have, so cut the shit and drink your shots."

You watch as she slips the phone into her jacket, taking note of which pocket so you can make a quick grab for it at the next possibility. Two shots later Nicky orders a beer and you a gin and tonic. You're not sure what time it is but the haze of the alcohol was lowering your ability to really give a fuck. For the most part Nicky just bullshitted, whining here and there about something that happened with Lorna and you would nod your head sympathetically, only half aware of the words coming out of her mouth. Your attention was preoccupied by the bartender, a tall blonde that you would catch staring every time you would glance up from your drink.

Eventually you chanced a smirk in her direction and she gave you a toothy smile back. You go back to absently sip on your drink as you continue to listen to Nicky until she decides to drop a bombshell.

"I think I wanna marry her Vause."

You near choke on an ice cube at her admission and you give her a disbelieve looking. "What?"

Nicky shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "I know it sounds ridiculous." She feigns indifference but you can tell by her expression how upset the thought makes her. "It's just recently I find myself looking at all those stupid rings in the mall and she has been talking about this wedding she is going to like it's the highlight of her fucking year. It's just got me thinking, ya know?"

You're still a little too surprise and just slightly too tipsy to think of anything to say so Nicky fills the silence again. "I mean, not like right away. There is too much going on with her trying to go back to school and I'm thinking about doing the same. I don't know just – _fuck_ – she just makes me want to be a better person. Nobodies been able to do that before."

You know exactly what she means, because it's exactly how you feel about Piper. But you had never really thought about marriage, because you and Piper weren't even _fucking together_. You realize though that Piper probably has, not with you but she had already committed to one day marrying Larry and would have if fate didn't intervene.

"It's ridiculous," Nicky repeats, breaking you from thought. "But I really think I wanna marry her."

Finally a smile works it's way onto your lips. "Aw, look at that, little Nicky is growing up."

She flips you the bird. "I gotta take a leak." She points across the bar. "By the way, it looks like you have a fan."

The bartender is looking at you again, she gives you another small smile before she resumes cleaning the glass in her hand. You glance around the room, making sure Nicky is out of sight before you reach into her jacket pocket for your phone.

There is another message from Piper that rolled in only an hour after the first.

 **Pipes:**

 **i'm wearing one of ur shirts to bed. miss u already x**

It's ridiculous because that small message is enough to make you start grinning like a teenager with a crush. You're ready to type out a reply when someone shoves your shoulder. The phone fumbles from your hand and hits the floor with a resounding crunch.

"What the fuck!"

Nicky throws her hands up in surrender. "I already told you, Piper doesn't get to be a part of this weekend. You can go two fucking days without talking to her."

"What is your issue with Piper anyway?" You're seething and your voice practically comes out as a growl.

Nicky sighs running a hand through her hair. "Look, I like Piper, she's good people. But I like you more and quite frankly I'm kind of sick of watching you walk around like an abused puppy because she's dragging you along while she tries to mend her relationship with Jerry."

 _Larry?_

 _What?_

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

The look on Nicky's face tells you that she let something slip, she grabs for her jacket. "Maybe we should go back to the hotel, huh?"

Your hand latches around her arm, stopping her retreat. "No, tell me what you mean."

She deflates at your tone. "She's been seeing him again, apparently they went on a date awhile back."

Your first instinct is to deny it, but you know it's pointless. Because why the fuck would Nicky lie to you about something like this, why would she purposefully plant this idea when she knows how much you care about Piper?

Your hand drops back to your side and when you speak again your voice comes out hollow. "When?"

"A few weeks ago," Nicky states. "Uh, the night before we went out with Boo and Lorna."

The same night she crawled into your bed. Your teeth grit together, she went on a date with her ex-fiancé only to come back to you so that you could make her feel better. You stare vacantly at your empty drink, your entire body tensed like a coil.

"See Vause, this is what I –"

"Get me another drink."

"Vause…"

"Shut up." You're done talking about this, you're done thinking about this. You're done _thinking_. "And get me another drink."

She gives up, flagging down the bartender. From that point you shut down, you don't say anything to Nicky and she doesn't try and coax a conversation out of you. You both just sit there and drink until Nicky tells that she is heading back to the hotel. At first she attempts to get you to leave with her but eventually she leaves you to your own devices, telling you to close her tab when you leave.

You can't recall how many drinks you've consumed at this point but you notice the restaurant shutting down and the patrons of the bar begin to trickle away. The bartender gives you a small smile every time she delivers a drink to you and eventually you return the gesture.

You sit there until you realize she is trying to end her shift for the night, so you ask for the bill. Even though Nicky offered to pay you feel guilt settling in for the way you treated her tonight. The girl watches as you pull a wade of bills from your wallet, clearing taking note of your U.S. currency.

"So how long are you in town for?" Her voice is nice you think and her eyes have this playful lit to them.

"Just for the weekend," you mumble handing the cash over.

She takes the money from you, walking it back to the register. When she comes back she is holding two drinks in her hand, she leans against the bar and offers one to you. She raises an eyebrow suggestively. "Maybe I can help make your trip interesting."

You're not sure how you made it to the bathroom or even how you managed to get out of your seat for that matter. All you know is that at some point her lips collided with yours and you were now pinning her up against the door of the stall, your hands fumbling clumsily to unlatch the button on her jeans. You're all frantic movements and uncoordinated touches, you're bury your face in her blonde hair trying to pretend that she is someone else, trying to pretend that this is Piper and not some random girl. And it works for a moment, you're demanding and aggressive as your hand slips under the waistband of her underwear and it only takes a few moment and before she is unraveling.

You're content to just stand there, stuck in your own delusion but it all breaks when she grabs your face pulling you to look at her and her eyes are brown, the slope of her nose is all wrong and the curve of her lips are just not the same as she brings them to meet your own.

So, when you feel her pulling at your belt working to unfasten it you immediately brush her hands away. You feel nothing at the disappoint that flickers across her face and equally the hurt after you dodge her kiss, shaking your head back in forth in a jerky frantic motion.

"No," you mutter, reaching for the lock on the stall door. "I can't, I'm sorry."

You slip out of the stall, fleeing from the restaurant and into the night. The next day you don't remember getting back to the hotel room.

 **AN: Wine and cigarettes do weird things man. Honestly though, the characters surprised me a little this time around (in a good way) and I'm hoping to salvage some characteristics that I've been tending to ignore in the recent chapter.**

 **Guest** **-** **First let me say this is a good. I mean really good. I'm not a big fan of the prospective with the 'you' but it such a good read I don't even stop and groan anymore. I just sink into it and I give you props. For the first time ever I'm rooting for Slyvie because let's be honest Piper is being such an ass! I don't hate how you portray her character. I like these characters. I like how you are using them. I'm just sympathetic to Alex here. She deserves better than the treatment she's getting. I'm really excited to see where you take this. I think things are about to get real. So please keep up the awesome work and please update, update, update.**

Just wanted to thank you for this review, whoever you are. I know what you mean about the 'you' perspective and I'm not really enjoying having to stick with it at this point, in fact I regretted the choice shortly after I posted the first chapter. From here on out I intend to write in the third person perspective, expect for the occasional one shot. I promise I'll try and be as consistent as possible with the updates. Thanks for reviewing babe.

 **IloveSweden** **-** Glad you approve of the flashbacks, I know a lot people are not fans of them but I'm glad you are noticing the correlation to the present with each one. Thanks for your thoughts!

Vausemaniac – Angst! But I'm glad you're trusting me on this, hoped you enjoyed this new chapter.

Alexiper – I'm sorry glad to hear that I'm not being to OC in the use of these characters, thanks for the kind words babe.

toesareoverrated – Honestly I want to thank you for being so consistent in your reviews, its kind of like having that mutual on tumblr that you can always count on reblogging your posts. Glad you enjoyed the last chapter and can't wait to hear what you thought of this one.

VauseSearch – Wow, I do that for other people's stories so I'm thrilled to hear that I can do the same. Thanks!

FFChik - Sorry the trip wasn't more carefree

 **Thank you to all of the guests that reviewed and thanks for reading, hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey oh, so I riled some feathers with the last chapter, sorry (not sorry). But anyway the reactions kind of gave me a drive to keep writing and so this is why you are getting a new chapter only a mere 24 hours later. I was going to post it a few hours prior but I read through it before work and just hated it, that's why you may have received a notification that this was updated only to find 8 chapters still, my bad guys.**

 **Musical Inspiration:**

 **Evil Beauty – Blackmill**

 **Figure 8 – Ellie Goulding**

 **How You Remind Me – Avril Lavigne cover**

 **The Draw – Bastille**

 **This chapter is unbeta'd as always.**

…

You spend the better part of the next day sitting alongside the outlook of the falls, sparse of tourist due to the cold March winds; a minor relief from the crowded tourist town above. Eventually Nicky finds you sulking on one of the many benches littering the outlook, she stands over you for a moment before sitting down next you.

"Sorry, I broke your phone."

Oh right that happened.

"Honestly, I'm glad I don't have it anymore."

Because at this point you've been left to stew in your misery long enough to know exactly what you would say to Piper and it's not a conversation that you want to have through angry messages. In the light of day, with a sober conscious, you just can't get over the fact that Piper lied to you about Larry.

"Why do you think she lied to me?"

"Well, I didn't know she lied." Nicky's gaze is fixated on the crashing torrent of the falls. "But from my experience, people lie for multiple reason." She holds her index finger up. "Self-preservation or…" She holds up her middle finger. "They don't want to hurt the person they are lying to. The other reasons are too complex to really give a fuck about." She finally looks at you. "It's up to you to figure Piper's reasoning, I suppose."

You pull your jacket tighter as a gust of wind picks up. Nicky wasn't telling you anything you didn't already know, but you were hoping to glean a new perspective. Of course you also know Nicky likes to try and be as uninvolved as possible.

You hear her sigh before she wraps her arm around your shoulder in an awkward unusual display of affection. "Listen Vause, it's really none of my business but I would have to be socially depraved to not notice that you and Piper need to talk this shit out. I know you're both emotional stunned dumbasses but I'm quite honestly sick of the drama and I feel like I'm watching Old Yeller every time I look at you."

She rips the foil from a new pack of cigarettes, fitting one between her lips before handing one over to you. You twirl between your thumb and index for a moment. "So what, I'm a rabid dog that needs to be shot?"

"Put out of your misery," she mumbles through a cloud of smoke. "And don't joke like that, that movie made me ball my eyes out when I was a kid."

Nicky lights your cigarette for you as you sit there silently, you let your eyes slip close letting the sound of the falling water fill your senses in attempt to banish the negative thoughts swirling in your brain. Eventually Nicky gives you a reassuring nudge. "You'll be okay sister. Now let's try and salvage what is left of this classy weekend I set up for you."

…

You had a lot of time to mull over your thoughts the last few days, despite her best efforts Nicky could never truly manage to pull you away from the upcoming confrontation with Piper. You felt ridiculous running through all of the possible scenarios, you felt like one of those people who were preparing for the apocalypse. For Nicky's sake you put on a brave face, laughing at the appropriate times and joining on her banter when you could. It all just felt so damn mechanical, your mind already back home while you physically remained with your friend.

On the bus ride home, you just kept thinking of ways to make up for a weekend you know that she would much rather have spent with Lorna. You even juggle with the idea of just completely rebooking another trip for the two of them.

 _Maybe I could offer to pay for their honeymoon._

When the time comes for you two to part you expect her to make a hasty retreat from the personal storm cloud that's been brewing over your head. Instead she pulls you into a side hug. It's awkward and but the fact that Nicky broke her no 'movie bromance moments' pact gives you the first genuine smile that you've managed in the past two days.

"That stays between you and me and I guess every other fucker here who saw."

You watch her walk over to where Lorna is waiting for her, the other gives you a small wave before they disappear out of the terminal. Only then do you pick your bags up and head out to hail your own cab home.

There are few things that you anticipated upon getting back to your apartment, you focused on the idea that Piper might already be there waiting for your return knowing exactly what time your bus was supposed to return to the city.

What you fail to predict is walking into your apartment and seeing Piper sprawled out on your sofa, wearing nothing but a smile.

 _Fuck._

Of all the worst case scenarios that you managed to conjure in your imagination as to how this would take place, _this_ did not even cross your mind. Fuck, _no_. Your mind is in hyper drive as you try to think of a way to disarm the situation, if nothing else convince to put her fucking clothes back on. Your gaze darts everyway, settling on anything that wasn't her but you know your only delay the inevitable.

Her smile only widens as you finally look at her and despite your determination to keep you gaze focused on her face your eyes seem to have another idea as they do a quick once over of her body. She props her knee up bringing her into a more upright position. "Happy Birthday, Al."

You clench your jaw almost painfully as you watch the cords of her muscle tense so that she can stand. "How was your trip?"

You blow a stream of air out of your mouth, looking down as you adjust your glasses. "Could've been worse." It wasn't a lie, it's not like you planned to confess up the gory details anyway.

As she approaches you keep your gaze focused on point just over her shoulder, a task that becomes increasingly difficult as she steps into you so close that you can count the individual hairs of her eyelashes. Her mouth is hovering only a hairs breadth in front of your own so that when she speaks next you can feel her breath ghosting over your lips. "Can I have kiss hello?"

You're going to say something back until you realize it wasn't really a question because her hand comes up to clasp the back your neck as she presses her lips your own. A few moments pass before she is pulling back, the look on her face slightly dejected from your lack of response, but she covers it up quickly. "Do you want some coffee?"

"No," you mutter darkly as you pull away from her, reaching for the bag laying at your feet. "I'm good."

You hear her sigh heavily before she steps away from you, you watch the movement of her hips as she heads for the kitchen doorway, before finally disappearing into the other room. You unclench your fists as you head back to your bedroom, throwing the bag onto your mattress before heading back to the living room.

From the sofa you can see her standing by the coffee pot, pulling the powder cream and sugar (that you only keep because of her) from the cabinet above, the muscles in her back stretching in a way that sent a rush of heat between your legs. Unbidden your feet are moving you to kitchen and pause to lean against the doorway.

"So how was your weekend?" Piper jumps slightly at the sound of your voice breaking through the silence. "Did you see Larry at all?"

Her shoulders tense up and you know that there was no turning back from this situation now. She spins slowly to look at you a look of confusion and slight irritation painted over her features.

"No." Her voice is slow, over enunciating as if to avoid confusion. She leans back on the counter using her hands to prop herself up. "Why would I?"

You shrug, trying to appear casual even despite the pounding of your heart roaring in your ears. "Well, I just figured that since you've been going on dates with that you might have taken the time to see him this weekend."

Piper looks as if you physically hit her, face screwing up for a moment before she quickly composes herself. "It was one date."

Your cross your arms over your chest, still leaning against the doorframe to stop yourself from shaking with fury. "So why did you tell me you guys weren't back together?"

"Because we aren't back together," she counters quickly, suddenly looking panicked.

You chuckle darkly, shaking your head. "Oh, so it was a lie of omission, I get it."

"It wasn't a lie-"

"Because at the time you weren't back together with you were just going on dates with him and-"

"One date!" Her voice rises above yours sounding strained and watery. "And I came back to see you afterwards!"

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" You push off of the frame your hands falling to your sides again. "That after your ex-fiancé wined and dined you, you decided to come back and fuck me instead." Another humorless laugh burst from your lips and you're unable to control the erratic movements of your hands. "Always gotta keep your options open, right Pipes?"

"Alex – "

You don't relent. You can't now, all the venom that was been building up in your mind for last few days, for the last few _years_ , begins pouring out of you and maybe it's not fair to Piper but nothing about this situation was fair to either of you.

"Jesus Piper." You don't recognize the sound of your own voice right now, you're not sure if it even belongs to you. "I'm a person, with feeling and emotions, as fucking hard as that is to believe. And you can't just come around expecting to use me as you see fit, whenever it's convenient for you end then walk away and expect it to be okay."

She is staring down at the floor her mouth working in a weird motion like she is trying to form words.

"Look at me." She does, eyes red-rimmed and teary. "Is that what I am to you? A fuck – a fucking binky for you to suck on until you feel better?"

She licks her lips before finally pushing off the counter, she is covering her chest now appearing to have lost all of her former confidence and regretting her choice to surprise you in this manner.

"I should go," she mumbles.

You nod absently, pulling your glasses off of your face as you stare blankly at a wall. "Maybe you should."

She breezes past you and for the next few minutes you hear her shuffling around in the living room, presumably as she pulls her clothes back on, she stops in the doorway to kitchen once after finally making herself decent. She gives you one long lingering look before disappearing from sight and a few seconds later you hear the door to your apartment click shut.

You run a hand through your hair, pacing back and forth frantically for a few moments before your eyes land on the coffee mug Piper had retrieved minutes earlier. Without thinking or knowing how to control your actions, the mug is in your hand and shattering against the tile of your kitchen floor.

 _Fuck._

…

 _In all the years that you two have known each other, you never_ truly _argued. Sure, there was the quick fits of outrage that Piper would fall into. When you couldn't attend prom, she pitched a fit for two whole days before you were able to calm her down. Or the few times you would have to cancel a trip up to Smith because school and shows were becoming too demand, you would just gently promise her that you would make it there as soon as you could. Piper's temper was always matched in your patience to handle it, a skill that all of your collective group seemed to marvel._

 _But in all of the years, with all of Piper's tantrums and easily banished anger you've never truly gotten upset with her. At least not to the point where felt the need to address. Sure there were plenty of times where Piper managed to piss you off, but you always balance precariously on the line of confronting her and not wanting to lose her friendship so you remained quiet for the most part. It was dangerously unhealthy you were very aware of that matter but something within you had always reasoned that it was okay, because as long as you cared about Piper you wanted her to like you. You still do._

 _So you would keep the routine, letting your patience carry you through conversations about Larry and the complaints she would make about Polly's behavior as a roommate. Every single time, no matter the situation, you would disarm her anger imploring her to see reason._

" _How do you do that?" The question comes up one time, her voice still holding the trademark Piper Chapman temper._

" _Do what?" You laugh, taking a drag off your cigarette while you patiently wait her answer._

" _You just seems so apathetic," she grits. "None of it seems important. How?"_

 _You chew on the inside of your cheek, pulling the phone to the other side of your face. "I don't know Pipes, there are more important things to get upset about."_

" _Yeah well, I think I'm allowed to be upset that she left her boyfriend's used condom on the toilet."_

 _You smirk. "Yeah, I guess you are."_

…

 _There are more important things to get upset about_.

That had been your mantra through it all. Expect now, the words ring hollow for you because even if there were more important things to get upset about then unrequited love, Piper said herself. You're allowed to be dwell on the things that bothers you, whether it was a stupid used condom or feeling like your best friend has been treating you like shit. 

More than that she left, after everything, the long overdue discussion was simply thrown away. And you _let_ her leave. Because you trying to stop her would have proved pointless and you're just so fucking of forgiving her, of caring about her enough to let her just rectify this with a few choose words.

At one point you clean up the broken glass, then you check your phone thinking maybe she would try and have the last word like always. But there is no message blinking back at you, just the background image of you and her from her birthday last year taunting you. You grab a beer from the fridge, and then follow it shortly with another, and then another. At one point you cross the street to buy another pack of cigarettes and some whiskey immediately cracking it open when you get back to your apartment. And you check your phone _again_. Nothing. You change the background to some default image.

Just like before with the mug you don't feel entirely in control of your actions, so you couldn't really explain why you pull the number up on your phone. Or why you press the send button after a few seconds of hesitation. You feel like there is a puppet master pulling at your strings, finally trying to maneuver you into making better choices.

The phone rings once, twice and then picks up.

"Hey Sylvie, do you wanna grab a drink sometime?"

 **A/N: (insert quirky end of chapter note here)**

To the reviewers.

 **WB79 – I'm glad you're enjoying it and I'm super glad to hear that this situation turned out for the better for you, congrats on the engagement :D.**

 **BL – is – love – Yeah I know I can personally relate to this and I've had many others tell me that they do as well. At first I tossed around the idea of putting a chapter or two in Piper's perspective but I decided against it, kind of wanting the readers to be left in the dark and make their own assumptions about what is going on between these two idiots.**

 **NightsLightss – Wow seriously that means so much to me honestly, especially coming from you because I love everything you write. I know what you mean with the whole concept of them never really having anyone else around in terms of their relationship, I guess that comes with the whole concept of the BFWB aspect but it just seems natural that there other relationships will come in and naturally tilt the balance and I'm glad you think I'm making it believable, that was something I was struggling with, the idea that these interactions might OC for the both of them. Thanks for the review babe.**

 **FFChik –Yeah nothing can ever be simple with these two it seems, even during times where I intended for them to have this big talk, the timing never seems right because they both honestly suck so much at talking about what's going on in their heads.**

 **Orange Dandelion – I'm sorry! It'll be okay I promise. As for the whole Sylvie thing, I often feel like her character is too quick to be vilified considering we know almost nothing about her character in terms of the show. Yes, she punched our sunshine child in the face but at the same time she did just find Piper in her girlfriend's bed naked, it's not exactly an overreaction. I just kept thinking about how there has to be something that original drew Alex to her in the show and I wanted to play with that.**

 **Vausemaniac – It took me a moment to get that joke but as soon as I figured it out, I did the whole forehead slap "oh, haha" thing. I always kind of imagined that after Piper left in Paris Alex indeed tried to fuck, drink, and shot her problems away, we even kind of got a glimpse of that in season 3 and while this is different times and a different situation we all have our vices. That's super awesome to hear about the community, I'm glad you're enjoying it enough to consider it worthy**

 **Thanks to everyone else who reviewed and I didn't directly respond to I still appreciate it more than you know. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hey…so sorry about the delay on the updates. But I'm back at uni now and trust me I'd much rather be writing this than a paper on the City Dionysian Festival but shit happens. Thank you all for your reviews and consideration towards this fic. I hope to make a conclusion soon, in fact I can't see this going past 20 chapters but I never really know when it comes to my writing.**

 **Also, I'm looking for prompts for Creatures of Habit, so if you all have any ideas you would like me to go off of post a review there or send me a pm with your ideas.**

 **Either way. Enjoy.**

"So, what made you change your mind?"

You raise an eyebrow, bringing your drink to your lips before throwing her a smirk. "Do I need a reason?"

Sylvie seems less amused, she sitting there looking at you twisting the ring on her right hand absently and it makes you feel transparent as if at any moment she is going to call you on your bullshit and leave. "Well, considering you were treating me like a leper all last week it seems little… bizarre for you to call out of the blue."

You adjust your glasses looking out from the booth, across the room Nicky is standing behind the bar leaning against the cash register with her arms crossed. When you meet her gaze she gives you a questioning look, eyes flashing back and forth between you and Sylvie. You direct your attention back to the woman in front of you, flashing a sheepish smile. "Sorry, I've just had a lot on my mind."

She gives an empathetic nod, bringing her glass to her lips before settling it down without taking a sip. Noting how empty it is you consider offering to get her another drink before she starts talking. "I know what you mean, life has been a little crazy these past few years."

"Yeah."

"I mean, I know dropping out of school wasn't probably the wisest decision but I can't really seem to bring myself to regret it. It feels like…"

You let her drone on, nodding and giving one word responses when prompted but for the most part you feel yourself losing interest and for a moment you wonder what the fuck you were even doing here. Your eyes flash back to the bar where Nicky's eyes are mercifully looking away from you as she serves a costumer before drifting back to Sylvie once more.

She is in the middle of a sentence when you abruptly cut her off. "Do you want another drink?"

She seems mildly irritated by the interruption, but the expression vanishes just as quickly as it came. "What happened to just one drink?" You don't bother hiding your confusion, your eyebrow furrowing so she continues on with a small smile. "When you called you distinctly said 'a drink.'"

You know she is being playful and under normal circumstances you would have welcomed the banter but your already agitated, you grind your teeth for a moment taking a deep breath to collect yourself. "So you come half way across town for 'a drink' and then leave twenty minutes later?" You quip. "Seems rather counterproductive."

She seems unfazed by your displeasure, her expression stoic and unreadable for the most part until she crosses her arms over her chest. "You know," she starts. "Maybe this was a bad idea." She makes a grab for her jacket and for a moment you think about letting her go, because honestly this was a terrible idea.

She has one arm pulled through the sleeve of her jacket before can bring yourself to stop her. "Wait." Your voice comes out weak and rather unconvincing so you take a moment to adjust your glasses in attempt to your reign yourself in. "I'm sorry, stay for another drink."

She looks at you contemptuously, letting her eyes wander from you to the door, so without really thinking you stand up making a grab for her empty glass, you throw a smirk in her direction. "Come on Sylvie, two drinks never killed anyone."

She doesn't give you an affirmation, but you take comfort in the fact that she hasn't stood up to leave just yet. Wordlessly you turn away, making a steady pace to the bar where Nicky is once again staring you down. She doesn't say anything to you as you order a new round of drinks, but she gives you this ridiculous look a mixture between disapproval and curiosity.

"So, the talk with Piper went well, I assume."

Your eyes burn into her for a moment, trying to evaluate what she may or may not know about the events of last night. "What did she tell you?"

"Nothing." The word is spoken with a sense finality and for a moment you let yourself be filled with a small sense of relief, until –

"She just walked into the diner this morning looking like she was about to go tie her own noose is all."

The words hit like a quick jab to the gut. It's a low blow and you both know it, but something in Nicky's gaze lets you know that was her intent.

"I don't want to talk about it," you mutter, hating how small and childlike your voice ends up sounding. Nicky's only response is an unattractive grunt, you think for a moment that there is no possible way that you could walk away from this matter that easily but as Nicky sets your drinks in front of you there is nothing else that she adds. She just gives that judgmental glower again, crossing her arms over her chest.

You swallow thickly, trying to washing away the sick feeling in your stomach. It's ridiculous but you can't shake the guilt that is starting to crawl under your skin. It's been that way all day. The moment you woke up, checking your phone desperately to see if the other girl had tried to contact you at all only to be greeted by radio silence allowed for you to deliberate over the events of the previous day. You had been frustrated, no livid is more accurate, and you let that feeling reach into you and pull forth a tidal wave of hateful words.

 _I should go._

 _Maybe you should._

You should have made her stay, for her to sit down and actually talk once the initial blows were out of the way. Nicky is still staring at you, remaining surprisingly quiet like she can see the pages turn in your head. "Do you think she is going to be okay?"

Her expression softens, because despite what she heard about the conflict between you and Piper, despite all the wrongs you two seem to pit on each other she _knows_ that above anything you care. That in all the years, not matter what you have always cared about Piper and that will never change.

"Why don't you go ask her yourself?" Nicky's voice is calm but there is an urging lit in her tone.

"It's not that simple Nick," you mumble despondently, a bitter laugh breaking free from you. "I think we both really fucked up this time."

"We all fuck things up for time to time." You give her a rueful smile as you go to fish some cash out of your wallet, before she shakes her head. "It's on the house, although," she chances a glance around your shoulder. "I think you lost you date."

Sure enough as you look back at the booth Sylvie and all of her personal items have vanished from site. Nicky is smirking at you as you turn back to her. "You're losing your touch, Vause."

You laugh as you sip at your drink, taking a seat at the bar. "Not possible."

…

" _Alex."_

 _You're tangled up in the sheets of your bed, eyes closed as the pounding in your head threatened to drive you insane. It feels like a million different thoughts are swirling in the pit of your chest each one fighting each other for dominance to the point where it will split you open. So, even if you wanted to respond to the familiar voice, you are too afraid of the sounds that would come pouring out of you if so much as_ _tried_ _._

 _You feel the bed dip behind you, fingertips graze over your midsection before the hand drifts upwards, a warm palm coming to rest above your heart. It feels overworked and strained; the past few days of dealing with the morbid affairs at hand made nearly it nearly impossible to rest, the whole time your mind sending jets of lightning throughout your body._

" _Alex…" She tries again pulling you in tighter, the warmth of her body causing you to shiver. Her lips press firmly against your temple, her other hand coming up to brush the hair from your face. "Babe, we have to go. We're going to be late."_

Your mother smirking.

Her shoving you playfully.

"You'd show up late to your own funeral, Al."

 _You had just managed to pull your legs over the side of the bed, watching mindlessly as Piper pulls out a dress for you when the memory strikes flashes through your mind. Suddenly you're lurching forward arms wrapping around your stomach like you are trying to keep your guts from falling out, a strangled sobbing sound rips its way from your throat. Another set of arms catches you and you let your head lull into the hollow of her neck._

 _Somehow_ _, though you're not entirely sure in what way Piper manages to get you moving and within a few minutes you're dressed with a small semblance of makeup painted onto your face mostly to hide the blotchiness from your cheeks._

 _You lean on Piper heavily throughout the entire process, on the cab ride there and during the pastor's entire speech there seemed to be no real reprieve from the torrent of emotions thrashing around inside of you. All you were aware of was the delicate touch of Piper's hand as it gingerly laced through your own at every possible opportunity or the soft almost inaudible words that she murmured in your ear in attempt to keep you grounded._

 _Your mother was dead._

 _You had always heard people talk about the delayed shockwave that struck them after the death of a loved one and even after the funeral processions it would never seem real, like the person would one day just show up or call same as before. But for you, this was instant, the moment the words reached your ears for the first time you felt like someone had sent a wave of shock therapy to your gut. Your first instinct was to call her and call her and_ _call her_ _. That's how Piper found you, desperately clutching your phone with your mother's contact information pulled up on the screen._

 _She hasn't left your side since that moment, letting you wallow in misery not pressuring you to talk but simply_ _being_ _there and holding onto you every time she notices you slowly falling apart. Nicky is there too, but she seems more than happy to take a sideline to Piper leaving you with a forlorn smile and reassuring hug._

 _When the dirt finally covers the casket you had stared sightlessly at headstone trying to ignore fog that start to cloak over you mind. Piper's arms wrap around your waist, standing silently with you as everyone else dispersed from the cemetery. You let yourself get lost in that moment taking in Piper's warmth and letting her breath ghost against the frigid skin of your neck. A part of you just wants to stand there forever._

 _But it's November and the cold wind causes Piper to shiver against you, so you grab her hand and head towards the street to hail a cab. On the short trip back she mentions something about going back to her apartment, newly leased after staying with you for a month. The feeling of panic and despair must have been obvious on your face because Piper amends with, "Just to get a change of clothes."_

 _You melt back into silence wordlessly following Piper into her apartment and watching as she navigates around the small space. Eventually she hands you a change of clothes as well and you gratefully shed your dress. She is watching you the entire time, and you feel like a lost little puppy waiting for her to guide you. Eventually she leads you to the small living room and forces you to sit down on the love seat. You sit there mindfully playing with the sleeves of the sweater she gave you, it's a bit small and a color of pink that you think is absurd but it smells like Piper. So, you're not complaining._

 _She disappears for a moment with a promise of returning, so you let your eyes wander around the room. Trying to observe every detail so that you don't have to focus on the one thought that keeps reemerging and it works for a few seconds. Until your eyes drift to the shelf above the television. Pictures, of Piper and Cal, Piper and you, there is one of Nicky up there as well and they are all familiar you've seen these images countless times over the years._

 _But there is one that you didn't know existed. It was from a weekend not too long ago, a trip that you and your mother made up to Cal's home with Piper. It was a welcome relief from all the movement of the city. All three of you are sitting around his tiny fire pit, the light glowing warmly on your faces and you all just look so damn happy. Piper has that smile that beautiful unrelenting grin as she leans slightly into you._

 _You didn't even realize you had stood up until your grabbing the frame clutching it desperately between your fingers with you head bowed like you were thinking about jumping in, going back to that moment and living in it forever. Then Piper is beside you, looking over your shoulder._

" _Cal sent that to me when I told him about Diane." Her voice is hushed like she is trying to preserve the moment, afraid to break the silence. You feel her hand running up your spine, dipping into the curve of your spine kneading the tension away from the muscles there effortlessly. "Just think of all the stories you have, Al. All the life that she had a chance to live, rather than what should have been."_

 _She circles around to your front, gently prying the frame from between your fingers before placing it back onto the shelf behind her. Suddenly you see it, the creeping sadness trapped behind her blue eyes the heavy way her shoulders sink it's then you realize that you're not the only one hurting here._

Piper drinking coffee with Diane.

Her wearing your favorite shirt while they make breakfast together.

Your mother hugging her,

 _Every moment of happiness unravels in your chest and just looking at Piper makes you want you to meld into her so that you can share, bringing the scattered shards of each other into an acceptable whole. And you can't take it anymore, so you pull her in your lips find hers seamlessly. Her hand flies up to the back up of your neck as she had been waiting for this._

 _You barely take note of the actions and frantic movements that lead the two of you to her bedroom, you're trying so desperately to get out of your head to stop thinking and just feel for a single damn moment. Because you haven't really felt anything until you received that call, there was no reprieve from the numbness that had entrapped your mind. So you think maybe, just maybe, if you can't stop that you can at least make Piper feel something. It's difficult to determine whether or not it's selfish, but all you can think is how you want to pull her grief away and absorb it as your own._

 _So as you lay her down on the bed, your hand cradling her head with only one goal in mind; you want to forget, just for now, just this moment._

 _Her hand comes up to brush your cheek and you can't meet her gaze, even though you feel it burning into your skin. "Stay with me, Al."_

" _I'm here."_

 _The hand on your cheek gently coaxes you to look at her, to look into the sparkling blue of her eyes. It's like she is seeing into you, reading every fuck up thought that bubbles in your mind, she always has that power it seems. Her thumb gentle brushes your cheek. "Stay with me."_

 _You swallow thickly and suddenly it's like something snaps, your heart cracking open. Tears prickle at your eyes and the edges of your of your vision darken. You don't realize that you have stopped breathing until Piper brings your head down to rest on her chest._

" _Breathe."_

 _And you do, this strangled gasping sound that dissolves into a sob without preamble. Your arms seek her, hugging her midsection tightly hoping that it will prevent you from floating away. It could have been hours or minutes before you finally calmed down enough, eventually your sobs turning into stifled whimpers._

" _I'm glad you're here." The words come out as a choked gasp, muffled even more by the fabric of Piper's shirt. "I'm not sure what I'd without you, kid."_

 _You remember this: the way she pulls you in tighter, the gentle words she whispers into your hair as she runs her hands through the strands diligently. You'll lock it away, this feeling, this moment so that you can treasure the good days and when you so desperately fucking need it for the bad._

…

It's been a week.

A whole fucking week and you feel it, the weight of your words hanging in your chest. At first you felt justified, like you finally released to the weight of your predicament. You had every reason to, you think, to finally just throw your shit right on the table laid out for Piper to see. It dissipated quickly, within two days everything in you shifted from righteous anger to sicken despair.

And her face, the look on her face, that one last lingering glance before she bolted from your apartment is seared into your brain. Nicky's words the next day didn't help to nullify the sensation either, the very thought of Piper being so obviously ruined that she didn't even have to say anything for the shorter woman to just _know_ something was wrong and _of course_ it had something to do with you.

A week and now all you can think is, _what the fuck did I do?_

Did you and Piper need to talk through some things? Sure, that goes without saying. But the interaction that had occurred between the two of could hardly pass for _talking_ , in fact neither one of you had actually _listened_ to each other. There was just angry words mixed potently with frustrated emotions flying from your mouth and Piper, well Piper fucking left.

You know that you will have to be the one to break the silence this time. Piper won't come looking for you, she won't just show up at your apartment – this was all on you now. Because this time was different than any other chasm that had formed during your friendship, this time you had told her to leave – you created the rift, this unbearable silence is _your_ fault.

But you can't dwell, you don't have time. With your absence of the weekend, there was work that needed to be done. The entire week was spent clarifying schedules, writing reports, attending meetings and running rehearsals. The worse part of the entire affair was having to see Sylvie, but there seemed to be a mutual understanding to stay clear of each other. There was a fleeting glance here and there but no words passed between the two of you.

Everything in that department at least _seemed_ fine. And it seemed like this might be a relationship you could handle like actual adults. At least that's what you were thinking one night while you were staying late at the theater one night. You were sitting in the house, typing out an email when you heard one of the doors open and closed.

"Well, this seems oddly familiar."

 _Sylvie._

You stop typing listening attentively to her footfalls as they neared you and came to a halt on the side of the isle, then and only then did you look at her. She had a warm smile on her face, her hands shoved into the pockets of her jacket and once you met her eyes she gave a slight nod at the seat next to you. "May I?"

You wave your hand, motioning for her to sit down. For a moment she just sat there watching as your hands flew across the keyboard in attempt to finish up your work for the night. Occasionally, your eyes would flick towards the stage then to her for a brief moment before returning to the task at hand.

"Do you think that's the problem?"

You pause, raising your eyebrows in confusion. "You want to unravel that for me real quick?"

She laughed and it struck you odd how genuine this whole thing seemed, almost hauntingly familiar.

"I mean," she starts slowly, voice purposeful. "That we tried to pick up exactly where we left off back in college." She stops for a moment, thinking. "Sure, the coffee was replaced with vodka but it was like we were just trying to repeat history."

You lick your lips, trying to work out where this was headed. "So, what's your point?"

She seems relieved that you asked the question, like she had played out this scenario in her head and you were just willingly fulfilling your role. "My point, is that we had fun back in college, but that was almost six years ago. We are different people with new stories and different baggage to deal with." Her eyes flick down to you lips and you can't help the smirk that crosses your face at the almost invisible gesture. "So, how about this. We cut the shit, stop pretending like we even know the slightest thing about each other and start over. I'll take you for a drink and we actually get to know each other...again. Rewrite the map, so to speak."

You just look at her for a moment, slightly stunned at the proposition considering how the last date had ended with her sudden departure. You watch as the confidence slowly fades from her expression as the moments go by and you don't offer up a response. You open your mouth once, not sure how to respond and even more unsure of the consequences of either decision that lay before you.

You close your laptop, cradling it to your side as you stand up. She waits, looking at you expectantly. You work your way around her as you prepare to leave. "I'll think about it Sylvie."

You don't wait to see her reaction, you immediately seek the doors – your senses overloaded with the bustle of the busy streets. It has seemed like recently that most of your thoughts and actions weren't your own, like they were being pulled and controlled by an external force telling you what to do making you feel like you were just a puppet in someone's fucked up show.

But this time when you pull out your phone and find Piper's contact information you know, this is all you. You were in control now, this was everything that you had poured into a single moment. You press the send button with a very unique set of words ringing in your ears.

 _We are different people with different baggage…_

Because the Alex and Piper that met because you tried to steal a copy of _A Separate Piece_ didn't exist anymore. The naive kids that randomly slept together seven years ago have dissolved. They haven't been around for a long fucking time.

 **A/N Halsey. Fuck yeah.**

To the reviewers:

 **MagiKar – Thanks for the positive review, I'm happy to hear that you are enjoying this story so far. As for the relationship aspects of Piper/Alex/Sylvie welllll, I guess you'll just have to see how that turns out. ;)**

 **Chand3li3r – Yeah, I know I didn't really truly capture Piper's true character but as it has been said she isn't really equipped for dealing with emotional chaos. Hope you are still enjoying the story hun.**

 **FFchik – I feel like we all have that struggle between masochist and hopeless romantic, it's the main reason I read fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!**

 **Toesareoverrated – Thank you for both of your reviews! …And sorry for screwing with your emotions, it seems like my level of emotion immediately goes to chaos when I write sometimes. I'm still working on that.**

 **Vausemanic – The plot thickens indeed. That's the thing about this story, I'm very aware of the fact that I don't elaborate enough in my writing (hence short chapter) so it's kind of an exercise more than anything else attempting to convey more within each chapter (not really happening, but ya know..). Also, I think I found you on tumblr and followed you.**

 **Orange Dandelion – Honestly, the whole scene with Piper is something that's happened to me personally, I'll let you ponder on which side I happened to fall on although the context was a little different haha.**

 **NightsLightss - 3**

To any other reviewers I didn't get a chance to answer, my apologies but I wanted to get this chapter up for you all as soon as possible. I highly appreciate all the love and support you guys are showing for this story, without that I would have abandon this fic long ago. Peace guys, be good to one another.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: …So, hey. I'm not dead, yet. First and foremost I would like to apologize for the long absence, but my life has not been my own for a while now. Writing has been my last concern in the past month but I hope to reclaim a little of my sanity in the next few weeks, try to be a little more consistent. (no promises, I suck at those)**

 **Also, like always thank you for all the love you guys have shown towards this little fic here, it makes me happy and guilty every time I get a new comment asking me to update.**

 **This chapter is has not been beta'd or proofread by me, so I'm sorry if it's hard to read.**

You had always known that Alex was different, the rumor mill of middle school ensured that this idea was planted in everyone's mind at one point or another. After all Alex Vause would always be reading rather than playing volleyball during gym class, Alex Vause wore giant glasses with clothes that other people like Jessica Wedge and even yourself had donated to the thrift store months earlier. Alex Vause was different and for someone like you, different was dangerous.

So you sat back for a few years, letting the other girls wreak havoc on her reputation so you could protect your own carefully fabricated persona. It was the famous Chapman way, you learned that early in life, that not standing out was an easy way to survive. So the Piper who knew about her parent's issues did not carry that burden to class, with ever hand raised you it was shy gesture hoping to be overlooked. The Piper Chapman that stayed in her room all day reading the required course material is not the same girl who would marvel at Alex Vause's bravery behind closed doors.

Because Alex was different and she never held any shame in that fact, when Jessica Wedge and her minions would mock her the other girl would fight back making a point of keeping her head held high that gleam of pride that you would come to be so familiar with resonating from her voice.

Alex Vause was different.

Alex was brave, _is_ brave.

She was everything that you weren't.

So perhaps that was why you felt compelled to finally defend her, to stand out, because when she was cornered in that library with Ms. Porter practically spitting fire over a beat up copy of _A_ _Separate Peace_ something had changed. She looked defeated; she was terrified and for a moment the brave enigmatic Alex Vause had seemed just like you, like a little kid who had spent so long hiding.

" _Ms. Porter, I asked her to get it for me."_

It was a lie, a blatant one at that, all three of you knew. It was a turning point for you, the first time you lied to a teacher ever and it was over Alex Vause. It wouldn't be the last time you took a break from your values for her, this person who quickly became associated with the title "friend" and then shortly after "best friend."

Alex was different.

Alex was, _is_ your best friend.

It was something you would never be able to totally explain and you began to learn that it didn't need justification. Alex taught you to apologize without making up some bullshit excuse. She also taught you that some things don't need an apology, like who you're best friend was or why you could give a fuck less about what other's had to say on the matter.

 _This_ Piper Chapman is one that you learned to embrace. This Piper that was friends with Alex, the book nerd turned teenage rebel, was a person that was finally comfortable in her own skin because feeling different was something you didn't have to defend anymore. Because Alex made you feel like there was nothing truly normal.

" _Just think of it as an illusion Pipes."_

It was said with a smirk because Alex was infamous for never taking anything too seriously, always passing off the biting remarks from your peers with a laugh only to throw it back in their faces. Of course, that was until people started to figure out who Alex really was – because being gay is something that would be impossible to hide forever, especially when she started getting caught in bathrooms and the school locker room with other girls. Suddenly, the torment that had long been abandoned in middle school reared its ugly head again and she _told_ you not to worry – that she could handle whatever they throw her way.

You tried to believe her, to let the issue die and ignore the remarks of the other kids. Your feigned indifference lasted less than a few months. You were lifeguarding for the summer and Alex had dutifully come to visit you on your shifts every day that she could, standing by your chair making jokes to help the time pass. Until one day Tyler Stoltz came by and pushed her into the water, it was hardly playful and to this day you are convinced that it is the reason for why her shoulder would sometimes click at the joint. You had Tyler thrown out immediately, but Alex's face, looking very much the part of drowned rat, with running eyeliner and chattering teeth showed nothing but annoyance with the matter.

' _It wasn't that big of a deal, Piper. The asshole just caught me off guard."_

Alex didn't want you defending her that much she had made clear, so you would do it in secret during times when she wasn't there to defend herself. Like when you told Nicky about her for the first time. You were practically beaming as you told the story about the two of you met, over a book that quickly became the taller girl's favorite novel.

Nicky had skeptical expression on her face as the story unraveled and eventually she mentioned a fact that would resonate with you for years.

" _Isn't that book about a kid that pushes his friend out of a tree?"_

Your face contorted. " _It's just a story."_

It shouldn't have meant anything to you, because Nicky said a lot shit that didn't mean anything. But it stuck with you, the idea resurfacing every time you would see Alex reading the copy that you bought her for her birthday. It was like that dog-eared tatter text existed simply to taunt you now.

From that moment on you were waiting for the moment one of you would push the other from that tree branch, abandoning morals to make the final shove that would break bones and destroy the other's spirit. It would be Alex who made the first move, at least that's how you had seen it; when you had returned back to your apartment after that first surreal night you two had spent together only to find her long gone. It had stung. No, it was more like a gunshot wound to the chest. She didn't say a damn thing about it after that, so you let the wound bleed and fester for months, almost a year.

But you couldn't stop thinking about it, you know what had happened it was obvious even through the hangover. What drove you insane is you couldn't remember anything about what happened, looking back on the memory you know you were the one that kissed her first.

Everything was a foggy haze and you've never felt so _robbed_ , it was like you finally reached the top of the mountain only for you to climb right back down. Without as much as a glance at the scenery or to stop and take a picture. There was nothing, nothing to sate this almost physical need to capture that moment again.

But you couldn't, shouldn't have pursued it.

Because Alex was different.

Alex was your friend.

If she wanted to forget about it, pretend like the moment didn't exist you would try your best to do the same. But. You. Couldn't. Stop. Thinking. About. It. You tried so hard to bury away everything, lock it away like a beast in a cage. Every time you talked to her though, every time you saw her that motherfucker reared its ugly head and it grew an entirely different head when she started telling you about Sylvie.

You had no right to be jealous, the very idea that you even felt the small pull of envy towards the younger girl was absolutely ridiculous. You had Larry, unfocused oblivious Larry. Or maybe not so oblivious. He had known, not right away and there was no real certainty about the matter. Maybe it had been Polly or perhaps you were just that damn obvious.

The fucked up part was that he stayed. Even though he knew where you were going and whose bed you were sneaking off to on the weekends he just smiled. So, when you found out about Polly, you hardly batted an eye. In some fucked up way it made sense, it was almost like you two deserved each other.

Alex would often question the sensibility of it all, though you would never come to tell her about Larry knowing about your own affair. During the long weekends that you would spend at her apartment the topic would often surface, inevitably.

"Do you still love him?"

You can't count the number of times you were asked that question, whether it was from Alex or Polly or even yourself and every single time there was no real answer.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Because talking about it meant thinking about it and thinking about it meant facing how truly fucked up the whole situation was. But it would always surface, this conversation with her. Late at night when you were preparing yourself to slip back home you could see her withdrawing, closing herself off until you are sure that the real Alex was all but gone.

During the rare moments that you would see her with another girl, a new conquest, some unknowing thing that she would dangle in front of you, those nights would be filled with desperation. A sadness that felt like it was cracking open your chest, leaving you feeling like she was trying to bandage you up, piecing you back together just so that you could leave her relatively in one piece.

It was destructive, this _thing_ that the two of you had managed to fabricate. You knew it and based off the distant look in her eyes, she knew it too. Neither of you were fools in the matter, but you were foolish enough (or perhaps selfish enough) to think that you deserved this, to take as much as you could knowing one day Alex Vause would see right through you. Thoughtlessly, you were willing to take as much as she was willing to give and Alex selflessly gave everything.

Until one day she didn't.

It was almost like one of you had flipped a switch. Or a self-destruct button, you could never really decide. In the days and weeks after you left Larry, even though she received you into her apartment you could not feel more unwelcomed. She wouldn't even look at you, the nights where you would slip into her bed you would wake to find her gone presumably to stay at Nicky's or asleep on her sofa, just _away_ from you. It wasn't an instantaneous reaction, in fact the first few days were great, you both stayed there wrapped up in each other. Until the one day you went to meet Larry.

" _Just to talk."_

" _Not sure what you really have to talk about, Pipes."_

And you came back, in tears again, not even sure as to why you were crying which only made you cry harder. I mean, it was a relief right? You cheated first, so what does it really matter. While you laid there with her crying, with your walls finally tumbling down you could feel Alex building hers up with the rubble left behind. You tried to ignore the masked look of disgust, the poorly concealed resentment that filled her voice.

From there it seemed like the two of you had formed a habit of using the other as a bandage, a quick fix that would eventually fail letting in that deadly infection. Seems like you two just couldn't resist that final shove, that push off that fucking tree branch sending each other spiraling, shattered on the riverbank.

What a cliché. But Alex Vause wasn't a bandaid. She wasn't a cliché. She is different. Better. She _was_ your friend. Was being the keyword now.

" _Always gotta keep your options open, right Pipes?"_

That hurt, leaving you with a feeling like there was a bullet lodged in your chest. Bleeding, wounded, you wanted to deny everything but you couldn't lie, not anymore, not to her.

…

You take one look around the apartment, you knew it would be empty assuming that Alex would be off to somewhere doing something with _someone_. You were tempted to call Nicky, to see if she knew where she had disappeared, but she would just tell you to ask her yourself.

There was a picture, pulled from a frame worn at the edges and slightly crinkled laying on the coffee table. You and her the day you graduated Smith, your black robe draped over her arm at this point, her arm loosely wrapped around your waist. That day she had refused to pose for a picture, always ducking out of the way or offering to take it herself so that she could escape the snapshot. This one picture was all you managed to get, and you had pouted for days about how she didn't even look into the camera.

" _I was looking at something more important."_

You, she was looking at you.

Gritting your teeth in attempt to ignore the burning behind your eyes. You squeeze your palms together, feeling the key in your hand cut into your skin a bit. Shakily you place it onto the coffee table, standing with one last look around the apartment before you disappear, leaving it behind.

Leaving Alex behind.

 **AN: Deciding to give up on the idea of leaving Piper's thoughts completely anonymous, not sure how I feel about this update but I didn't want to withhold it from you guys for any longer. Sorry, I won't be responding to comments, I have to go and write a paper on the origins of theatre now, but much love you all.**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Yo.**

 **Song Inspiration:**

 **Same As You – The Fray (hahahahahah….clever….)**

 **Make You Better – The Decemberists**

 **Come Pick Me Up – Ryan Adams**

" _Piper, call me back when you get the chance. I think we need to talk, actually talk."_

…

" _I don't know why I keep calling, I just need to talk to you. Just…just call me."_

…

" _I haven't gotten the hint yet obviously. Maybe you'll just have to tell me to fuck off in person. Who knows could let out some stress."_

…

…

…

" _You gave back my extra key."_

 _._

The next few days were spent in a state of limbo, you went back and forth between missing Piper and hating her, usually more of the former. You kept herself busy doing mundane tasks, anything that would stop you from constantly glancing at your phone hoping desperately to see it light up. When you were at the theatre you spent most of your time ducking and avoiding Sylvie, easier said than done. The girl really doesn't seem to take a hint.

 _Guess we have more in common than I thought._

The unanswered phone calls became fewer and fewer and stop altogether after you stopped by her apartment, only to be left standing outside the door for ten minutes with no answer. You were acting obsessive and more than just a little crazy but didn't know what else to do, how you could possibly make this better.

The moment that broke you was when you came home to find the spare key to the apartment just sitting on your coffee table. The old keychain that you bought for her a few years ago laying forlornly beside it, you threw it in a drawer immediately grabbing a bottle of whiskey out your cabinet.

After one shot you called Nicky, but she was busy with Lorna. After two you call Sylvie and she tells you she will be over soon. After three you call Piper, but she doesn't answer and you resist the urge to leave a scathing voicemail. After four Sylvie shows up at your door, a six pack in hand. After six you fuck her on the sofa, too numb to realize this isn't the person you want.

You always teased Piper but her inability to deal with emotional chaos, but truth is you both fucking suck at it.

.

" _You didn't have to give the key back."_

…

" _I wish you would just answer me."_

…

" _Or tell me to fuck off."_

…

" _I think I deserve at least that, Pipes."_

…

" _I miss you."_

.

Another week passes and you continue going through the motions, you spend your nights going to the bar. More often than not you call Sylvie to join you after you place yet another unanswered call to Piper and every time you end up back at your place, her doing the walk of shame every morning. Nicky gives you weary looks, not bringing up the fact that you look like you haven't been sleeping. Because you haven't.

Sylvie marks you one night and spend three days pissed off about it, Nicky makes a snide comment more harsh than playful. Lorna starts giving you sad sympathetic looks and after that you make it a habit to drink by yourself in your apartment.

You call Piper and she never answers. Nicky calls you worried because you've disappeared. Sylvie calls pissed off and accusing you of using her, you call her back and tell her she is right. She ends up coming over that night anyway.

You really just want to call your mom, because she always knew what to say, always understood how much you cared about Piper and more often than not knew how to handle the other girl better than you ever could have dreamed. Whenever shit got bad she was always fond of saying "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened," claiming the words as her own.

"That's Dr. Seuss mom."

"Never heard of him," she would laugh. "Sounds like a smart guy."

But she wasn't here to say any of that, for the first time in forever you finally felt alone, _truly_ alone. And you were starting to think you liked it that way, just you, your thoughts and a bottle of whatever cheap liquor you choose to down on any given night.

Going on two weeks since the last time you talked to Piper that all comes to an end, with Nicky literally barging down your door. You've never been afraid of the shorter woman but in that moment you feel like you were facing the wrath of God. There was screaming and you were afraid that someone would eventually call the cops. You forced yourself to calm down, to listen instead of act.

"Vause, I know you're feeling shitty but life moves on. You can't just shut everyone out."

"Where is she?" Your voice is quiet, a horse harsh whisper from smoking too many cigarettes.

She shrugs, sitting down next to you playing with the half empty liquor bottle on the coffee table. "I haven't seen her either." She takes a swig. "Whatever you did scared her off pretty damn good."

You wince, letting yourself sink into the sofa wishing that it would just swallow you whole. You swallow thickly feeling telltale signs of moisture gathering in your eyes. "I fucked up Nick."

"No shit."

You laugh without humor. "Thanks."

"What do you want me to say?" She is clearly still irritated, taking another sip before continuing. "I can't feel bad for you, we all do fucked up shit." Another sip. "Listen Alex-,"

"Oh, first name you're being serious."

"Fuck you," she is still annoyed but she is smiling before her face turns serious again. "Do you remember when Lorna and I first got together?" You shake your head, gesturing for the bottle which she reluctantly hands over after another sip. "Well, that's because we were never really together, not for a while anyway. It was a lot of sneaking around, meeting up after midnight and things like that."

This whole conversation was striking you as odd, Nicky wasn't one to open up to people even if it was you. Suddenly you're overcome with guilt, realizing how much shit you unload on her when you don't even know anything about her _actual_ relationship with her _actual_ girlfriend.

"Why?"

She sighs. "There was someone else, at least she _thought_ there was someone else. Some guy that she had fallen head over heels for after only a date. She was convinced about this whole story that they were engaged and she even had a wedding date picked out." She gestures for the bottle back and you hand it over without question, you watch her to take another large gulp before she proceeded. "Turns out that the guy actually had a restraining order on her and she probably would have went to jail if I didn't find out about sooner."

It leaves you a little speechless, leaving you capable of only staring at her mouth slightly open in shock. She takes two more quick sips and you can see the alcohol starting to affect her because for the first time since you met her, Nicky is cry. Not sobbing painful tears, but just a small trail of moisture dripping down her face.

She finally looks at you. "We all do fucked up things, Vause. We all have our own sad sorry shit to deal with." She takes one last sip before placing the bottle down on the coffee table. "Same as you."

You bow your head feeling unmeasurably guilty for your behavior, for a long moment you sit frozen until you feel Nicky clasp her hand on your shoulder.

"Now, quit your bitching and go get your girl."

.

 _Piper was pissed at you._

 _Recently it wasn't an uncommon occurrence for her to get upset with you. You know you shouldn't, but it was hard to not bring up the subject of Larry. She had shown up at your door and before you could even mutter a greeting her lips were on your own. It was only later, basking in afterglow did you dare to address what was wrong._

 _Larry and Polly were sleeping together, she had suspicion of it but only recently had it became glaringly obvious_. _By obvious, that meant finding Polly's bra under their bed while she had been cleaning up the apartment. She had asked you what she should do and at first you didn't know what to tell her, this was the first time she wasn't honestly asking for your advice on a situation._

 _You both laying there in your bed, her tucked seamlessly into your side and you pondered the wisdom of your next words before blurting them out. "Leave him."_

 _Her hand which had previously been drawing circles around your naval stills, just for a moment, before resuming her ministrations. "It's not that easy."_

 _You withhold a sigh of frustration, your eyebrows knitting together. "And why not?"_

 _The hand stills once more and you feel her pull away from you a little, withdrawing both physically but emotionally as well. "You don't get it, Al."_

" _Then explain it to me."_

 _You sit up as well now, feeling some surge of triumph that the conversation wasn't immediately shot down like every other time. But she has her back to you, shaking her head back and forth like she is trying to rid herself of any thoughts on the matter._

" _You won't get it."_

 _The muscles in your jaw tighten slightly as you try and withhold your frustration. "How do you know?"_

 _She stands up reaching for her discarded clothing but you won't let it drop, not this time._

" _You asked me what you should do," you say your voice deadly quiet. "You_ _know_ _that you should leave him." She is struggling with her bra trying to fit around her body again until you gentle brush her arm aside, cupping her chin so you can look her in the eye. "Why do you keep running away from this?"_

 _A series of emotions flicker over her face before finally settle on what you could describe as anger. "You would know something about running wouldn't you, huh, Alex?"_

 _She pulls away swiftly and you have no idea how to respond to that, but suddenly you're feeling defensive and a little more than unsure about the situation entirely. "Well, at least I can face the truth."_

 _That was a lie. Because_ _truthfully_ _, your whole relationship with her was a lie at this point. But you keep going, too spurred on to let the argument die. "Because let's face it, this whole thing. You desperately hanging onto the idea of having a relationship with Larry. It's all because, ultimately, you're terrified of being alone."_

 _She looks like you just physically slapped her and the regret of your words are instantaneous. You reach out to grab her hand. "Pipes…"_

" _Fuck you, Alex."_

 _The next thing you know she has locked herself inside your bathroom and you spend the next ten minutes gently calling her name trying to apologize until you eventually hear the shower start to run. After a moment you check the doorknob and relief washes through you as it finally gives away for you to open the door._

 _You see her silhouette behind the frosted glass of the shower, you enter closing the door a little harder than normal so she knows that you are in here. You wait for a moment, giving her the opportunity to ask you to leave but when nothing but running water reaches your ears you pull the door back._

 _She is standing motionless under the stream of water, she looks serene but you notice the red around her eyes and another wave of guilt hits you full force. You step in behind her, bring an arm around her waist and pressing your face into the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry."_

 _You feel her hand come up to lace with yours and you feel her shrug almost dejectedly. "For what? You're not wrong."_

 _You press your lips to her neck, trying to suppress your shock at her admission. You don't say anything more, you just hold her hoping beyond hope that she doesn't see how afraid you were of just the same; not ending up alone, just without her._

.

" _I promise that I'll make this right Pipes."_

…

Over the next couple of day you take a step back to really think, to stop acting like a jilted lovesick teenager and just own up to the shit you and Piper have put each other through. You begin to write, first it was stream of conscious trying to figure out all the jumbled thoughts in your head. Then eventually finally, you start to confess. Really admit and come to terms with everything that's happened between the two of you over the years, and more importantly how you really feel.

"… _and for some reason I always thought it was always wrong, because you were my friend and you needed me. You needed me and I was willing to be there for you in any way I could. But it's killing me, because truth be told we aren't friends, at least we haven't been for a very long time. Because the versions of ourselves that met way back in the day. Pipes, they are gone…"_

It was going on three weeks since you've heard or seen from her when you finally made your way to her place. You stand outside the door for a few minutes, shuffling your feet while you adjust and readjusting your glasses as you try to work up the nerve to knock. Eventually it fails you, because you're not sure if you could handle outright rejection anymore.

So, you lean down and slide the note under the door feeling the weight of the words leaving your shoulders. You stand back up quickly, brushing the hair from your eyes as you turn away. You freeze when you hear the door open and your blood chills slightly at the voice calling out for you.

You turn slowly, trying to compose yourself and reserve what dignity you have as your eyes trail up to meet the other person's gaze.

"Hey Larry."

 **AN: Yeah, fuck me right.**

 **To all of you confused about the whole Chapter 11 repost things see my response to luveveythingtv below, my apologies by the way.**

To the reviewers:

 **NightsLightss – Good to be back :)**

 **RJVause – Happy that you're still enjoying it, even with the perspective change. I was a little worried about, thanks for the review man.**

 **luveverythingtv – yeah sorry about all that, I posted the last chapter when I was sleep deprived and I didn't notice it was a different version than the finalized one I had intended to post. As for Piper's purposes, I guess we will just see ;)**

 **WB79 – They are both just idiots, emotionally damaged and completely irrational loveable idiots.**

 **Vausemaniac – Piper's perspective probably won't be in play again, it was writing from her view point that made the chapter even more impossible to write than what it already was to be honest. I'm glad you enjoyed it for what it was but now that things are slowing done for me I hope to be updating both this and Creatures of Habit on a more frequent basis.**

 **FFChik – I feel like a lot of what I wrote in terms of Piper was extremely fragmented just simply due to how many long breaks I had to take in between writing periods, so as much as I wanted to write it one way I feel like the raw quality was just something that came by habit of writing angsty.**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Hey, we getting close to the end here. Sorry for the long wait, but thank you for all your kind words. I truly appreciate it each and every one of you that takes the time to read this story.**

 **On a side note, I wouldn't let myself go to the gym until this chapter was finished, that means you all are pretty special.**

 **Chapter is unbeta'd and not proofread. You've been warned.**

 **Music Inspiration:**

 **Iscariot – Walk the Moon**

 **I found – Amber Run**

 **.**

 _Of course._

Of course she went back to Larry, you're not even surprised but it doesn't stop you from feeling like someone ripped out your heart straight out of your chest. Someone, being Piper. You think of just leaving, not really giving the situation anymore of your time. If Piper didn't want you to be around anymore, it's the very least you could do now. But he was leaning out of the doorway with your note in his hand and really you'd rather die than Piper read that damn thing now.

"Hey Alex."

You not sure why you repeat yourself, but you do. "Hey Larry."

He holds up the folded up pieces of paper, waving it slightly in front of his face. "I'm guessing that this is for Piper."

"Um," you clear your throat. "Yeah, but I'll just take it back."

You extend your hand out as you take a few small measured pace back to the door, hoping that he doesn't see how anxious you are to just be rid of the situation. But he just stands there with his arms crossed giving you a passive look.

"Well," he starts with a nod towards the apartment. "Do you want to come in?"

"I don't think-,"

"She isn't here Alex." He waves you over. "Come on in, we can talk."

 _Great._

You let out a heavy sigh before crossing the distance and stepping through the threshold. You take a moment to let the familiar surroundings wash over you, because the damn place even smells like Piper. For some reason you're gaze fixates on the space where that picture of you, her and your mother used to rest, almost certain that you would find it empty now. But it was still there, somewhere inside of you feel a small kindle of hope spark in your chest.

You turn back after hearing the distinct sound of crumbling paper and you nearly scream at the sight of Larry reading the note you wrote for Piper. Rather you just dig your hands into pockets, lift your chin and square your shoulders. "Look-,"

"It's pretty awful isn't it?" He interrupts you purposefully almost like he was waiting for you to speak just so he could cut you off. Overly dramatic prick. But it works, it throws you completely off guard, more so because you have absolutely no clue what he is talking about.

"What?"

He folds the letter back up sloppily and tosses it on to a nearby end table. "Being on the merry-go-round, better known as Piper Chapman."

Your eyebrows knit together and your eyes flash over to the crumpled paper sitting on the table, you think about just grabbing the damn thing and taking your leave. You really have no interest in discussing Piper with her ex-fiancé, but something keeps you there, the faint idea of this being last connection to her that you have right now.

"Yeah, it's one hell of a ride."

He sighs deeply nodding his head in agreement. "Do you want coffee?"

"I'm fine."

He continues unfazed by your sharp tone. "Maybe some whiskey?"

"I'm _fine._ "

He raises his hands defensively before breezing past you, making his way to the kitchen despite your protests. You roll your eyes, feeling like you were just being jerked around at this point but you follow him, intent on getting some answers.

"What do you mean Larry?"

He laughs, pouring out two tumblers of whiskey. "Really, Alex? Come on you're not stupid."

Your fists are clenching and unclenching within your coat pockets as you stare into his back, hoping to burn holes through his stupid cardigan. He's right though, you pieced it together within seconds.

"You knew."

He takes a slow sip of his drink before handing you the other glass, a slow nod forming. "Piper's a terrible liar." He shrugs and surprisingly his stature changes, his shoulders slumping and his head bowing a bit. "It's almost like she wanted me to know though." A pause. "Like me knowing would mean that I would fight harder to keep her around."

You clutch the glass tightly in your hand resisting the urge to smash it to the ground. Your patience was wearing thin. "Where is she?"

"Home," he said shortly. "Apparently the school told her that her position was being cut so she resigned on the spot. She went back to her parents place."

You adjust your glasses, dreading the answer to your next question. "So why are you here?"

He pauses for a moment the look of confusion evident on his feature before realization crosses over his face, an irritating chuckle breaks around his lips before he take a moment to look you up and down. "We're not back together." He downs the rest of his drink. "She just asked me to look over the place while she was gone, however long that will be."

You nod slowly, crossing to the counter and placing your untouched drink down on the marble surface. "Well _if_ she comes back, give her that note for me." You met his gaze, questioning the wisdom of trusting him with this task before digging out the spare key from your pocket, placing it next to the tumbler. "And this."

"Will do."

You pull the lapels of your jacket closer around your body before breezing towards the door. You a moment from crossing the entryway when you hear him call out your name. You don't turn back, but you pause to let him know you're listening.

"Good luck," you can hear how smug he is in this moment. "You're gonna need it."

"Really?" You spin around sharply, defiance and anger surge through your veins. "Come on Larry, you're not stupid." He frowns at the mimicry. "You know this has nothing to do with luck."

He crosses his arms, lifting his chin in what seemed like a pathetic attempt to look taller than you. "You're right. It's about making her care enough to stay."

Your grit your teeth rushing out of the apartment slamming the door harder than was probably necessary. You wasted no time getting lost on the streets of the city.

.

You think of life before Piper.

All the nights you spent alone in your room, reading books listening to your mother's old records. Those years flowed together into an endless montage, like a picture book. Only they were gray and dull, no distinct moment of color.

You think of life during Piper.

Piper as your friend, as only your friend. Before you realized what those pangs in your stomach meant every time you saw her flirting with a zit-faced boy at school. Before she went away to Smith, before Larry, before so much shit went wrong. It was easy, so easy that it was too good to last.

You think of the moment you both monumentally fucked up everything up. You think about how, despite everything that followed, you couldn't bring yourself to truly regret anything. Through all the anxiety, the heartache whatever it was that you found in this ridiculous affair, you had _wanted_ every single moment. You had appreciated every single night that she fell asleep in your arms, you had loved her despite every soul-crushing choice that was made - you had always _wanted_ her.

And now you have to think of life after Piper.

You don't want to, but apparently _she_ wants life after you _._ And like every other time, you can't deny her at least that. To just give her what she wants, instead of hoping one day she will want the same as you.

So you let her go.

.

For the first couple of weeks, you force yourself to remain hopeful. The show you're working on ends, Sylvie contacts you a few more times after everything is said and done, nothing lasting, just fleeting attempts at resuscitating something that was dead before it had a chance. Nicky is still pissed at you, but in time she lets off especially after you tell her about Piper's disappearance back home.

After a month, with the weather warming up you think about how she loved this time of year. You also think about how you really can't get her off your mind. You stopped calling her after your trip to the apartment.

On June 7th you ignore the meaning of the date, you stay at home waking up late and head to bed early reading your copy of _A Separate Peace_. At one point you type up Piper's numbers in your phone, half tempted to call and you even hit the send button after ten minutes of mentally preparing yourself. You hang up after two rings, not even knowing what you would say even _if_ she bothered to answer.

A week later Nicky proposes to Lorna and you and her both drink so much that you end up calling her at 3 a.m. When you wake up the next morning, your call log shows that you were on the phone for five minutes but anything that was discussed was completely wiped from your memory. You text her apologizing, receiving nothing back. You spend the rest of the day nursing a hangover from hell, hating yourself as a human being.

Time goes on. A letter shows up in your mailbox, no return address but Piper's handwriting prints out your address on the envelope. You end up throwing it in a drawer without opening it, the outline of your note showing through the thin paper of the letter. It ends up going in a box, along with everything else that had some connection with her.

In a weird way it feels like a break up. But you can't break up with someone when you never had them to begin with.

.

" _Pipes?"_

 _She brushes past you as soon as the door opens, dropping her jacket onto a nearby end table. She looks back at you, eyes wide and solemn. You pause for a moment to take her in, from the dripping hair caused by the torrential rainstorm outside to the unusually slumped stature of her shoulders._

 _You raise your eyebrows expectantly. "Are you okay?"_

 _She nods slowly, her gaze never leaving your own. "I'm glad you're my friend, Al."_

" _You came all the way here from Smith to tell me that?" A playful smirk flits across your face. "You do realize that's what phones are for, right?"_

 _Your banter pulls a smile from her and she shrugs her shoulders, visibly relaxing more by the second. "I know, I just missed you."_

 _God, she's adorable._

" _I missed you too, kid."_

 _She bites her lip tentatively, contemplating on her next words. "Please, tell me you have liquor."_

" _Oh," you feign hurt, putting your hand over your heart. "So, that's the real reason you're here? To cope on my alcohol."_

 _As you talk you walk past her making your way through the small apartment that you rented with Nicky back then, the living room and the kitchen divided only by a small counter space._

 _She slaps your arm playfully. "Fuck you."_

 _You chuckle reaching into the fridge to grab two bottles of beer. Leaning against the counter you offer her one of the bottles, winking at her as she twists the cap off. "Maybe later."_

 _The words slip out of mouth unchecked. It was meant as a joke, harmless banter that was very typical between the two of you and a few months ago it would have been innocent, you would laugh at your own joke and Piper would blush. A few months ago, before Piper's twenty-first birthday. A night that the two of you have managed to push aside until this moment._

 _Piper halts mid sip and you're already in the process of formulating something akin to an apology. "Look-,"_

 _But she is shaking her head, a mercurial smile gracing her lips as she sets her drink down. "Don't make promises you aren't going to keep."_

 _You bite the inside of your cheek, a shock of heat running through you at her gaze. Suddenly you're back in that night, remembering what those lips felt like as they gasped against your own, the way her abdomen tensed and quivered beneath the pads of your fingers and her taste…_

 _The spell is broken by Piper waving her empty beer bottle in front of your face, signaling for you to retrieve a new one. You're relieved for the cool air of the refrigerator as it washes over your face._

" _Here you go, princess," you say handing over the bottle to her._

 _The next few hours pass in a similar fashion, meaningless jokes and easy laughter made easier by the alcohol. Multiple drinks were consumed quickly switching to a bottle of wine that would pass back and forth between the two of you. You both ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, your legs splayed out in front of you as you leaned against opposing countertops, your thighs just barely grazing each other._

" _So, where is Nicky?"_

 _She hands the bottle over to you, her head swaying haphazardly as she lets her back fall carelessly against the side of the counter once more._

 _You shrug taking a sip of the wine, not even recognizing the taste anymore at this point._

" _Seriously?" Piper snorts. "You live with her and you have no idea where she is right now?"_

 _You raise your hands defensively, wine bottle still clutched between the one. "You lived with her, you know what it's like. At a certain point you learn not to ask questions."_

 _She smiles knowingly at you, her eyelids heavy. "It's kind of weird don't you think."_

 _You take a look at the nearly empty wine bottle in your hand before deciding to just finish it off. You let your head fall lazily to the side. "I know she isn't your favorite person, Pipes, but calling Nicky an 'it' just seems a little extreme."_

" _No," she interjects, turning somewhat serious despite her alcohol induced stupor. "I mean, how things turn out."_

" _Not sure I can handle your philosophy right now kid," you murmur with a frown, fixing your glasses that have somehow managed to go askew._

" _I'm serious, Al." And she is, the tone of her voice leaves no room for doubt and you try your best to focus on the situation now. "I mean, think about it. Five years ago who would have guessed that we would be in the places that we are today. Who knew if we would even know each other still, but here we are, on the verge of graduating college, living in our own apartments and," she starts devolving into a small fit of laughter. "Drinking wine, sitting on a kitchen floor at 2 in the morning. Like true adults do."_

 _She continues to laugh and it spreads to you like a blanket of warmth draping around the both of you, she knocks her knee against your own and gestures towards the empty wine bottle and you hand it over with an amused look on your face._

 _She raises the bottle above her head in a grandiose gesture. "To the next five years." All you do is smile at her and she gives a pointed look. "You have to say it too."_

 _You take your glasses off bringing the earpiece to your lips as your quirk an eyebrow. "To the next five years."_

 _Seeming satisfied she sets the bottle down next to her on the floor and cranes her head towards the ceiling, you take the moment to appreciate the smooth skin of her neck and the defined curve of her jaw._

" _Where do you think we'll be?" She muses softly._

 _Your groan. "No clue kid."_

 _She doesn't look at you, instead continuing with her study of your ceiling. "But doesn't that scare you?"_

" _No," you mutter. "No, I'm pretty good about the whole 'freefalling through life thing' to be honest."_

 _You see her close her eyes and for a moment you would do anything to know the thoughts swirling around in her mind right now. For some reason you feel like this conversation is leading into dangerous territory and you feel an uneasy feeling developing in your stomach. You're racking your brain for something to say but all you manage to blurt out is, "What are you thinking?"_

 _Her head bobs back into a somewhat normal position, her glazed eyes attempting to focus on your face. "That despite what happens in five years, ten years, I hope that we are still friends."_

 _You genuinely smile before switching over to a smirk. "That's an awfully big commitment, Piper."_

" _I know, Alex."_

 _You let out a short laugh before stretching out your limbs and standing. You hold a hand out to her. "Let's get you to bed kid."_

 _She nods drunkenly, grabbing your hand to pull herself up. You have to catch her as she sways forward, clearly not aware of just how much her equilibrium has been affected. She ends up leaning heavily against you and you can feel her still nodding her head as it fall into the crook of your neck. "Can we cuddle?"_

 _You chuckle, letting your arm fall across her shoulders._

" _Sure, come be my little spoon."_

.

Nicky is on a rampage.

She walked into your apartment, more or less unannounced outside of the 'I'm coming in Vause' that she shouted from the hallway. You had been reading on the sofa, blanket curled around your body, actually feeling somewhat relaxed for the first time in months only for your shorter friend to come charging in bringing a whirlwind of information flying from her mouth.

Apparently the process of planning a wedding when it involved Lorna was a little too extravagant for her taste and when Nicky had brought up the idea of scaling back on some of the luxury Lorna had started a fight. You're nodding alone absently, turning the pages of the book as you go when suddenly it's ripped out of your hand.

"What the fuck, Nick!"

She holds the book up using it like a prop as she speaks. "Don't give me that shit Vause, I'm trying to talk to you here and you're just sitting there reading A Separate fucking Peace. Again. I'm about to throw this thing in the fucking garbage disposal."

You get up off the sofa throwing the blanket to the ground as you grab the book from her hands, even after she attempts to keep it out of your reach. "Fine, what is it Nicky?"

"Cut the attitude, it's not a good color on you." She follows you into the kitchen as you make your way towards the coffee pot. You bring out another mug and pour her a cup. She takes a sip before starting up again. "As I was saying, Lorna invited everyone expect for William Shakespeare to this shin dig."

"You mean your wedding, that 'shin dig' is your wedding." You point out with a small laugh.

She flips the bird, looking rather sober in this moment. "She invited my mom."

Understanding dawns on you as you nod your head slowly. "That is pretty shitty, I'm sorry kid."

You cross to the sink, depositing your own empty coffee mug there. You hear her shuffling her feet nervously behind you, you can tell there is something that Nicky isn't telling you so you face her arms crossed and lean against the counter. You raise your eyebrows, waiting expectantly for whatever it that the shorter woman has in store.

She sighs placing her cup onto the counter. "She invited Chapman, too."

The mention of Piper sends a jolt of pain to your chest, it's been over eight months since she seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth. Nobody, even Nicky or Lorna has heard anything from her in all that time and Nicky had ease through ease stage of grief in her own way, you've come to accept that this is just the way things are now. If Piper wanted to forget her entire life here, that was her decision.

You force your features to remain neutral as you swallow past the lump in your throat as you shrug. "It's not like she'll actually show up."

"See that's the thing, she already RSVP'd," she crosses to the kitchen table, picking up your own invitation that is sitting there. "Something you still haven't done I see."

You shrug, not bothering with a response in this moment. Your head is too clouded by the current load of information that you've been handed.

"Vause." You glance at her. "I know this is a lot to take in and normally I'd be more than willing to deal with your dyke drama, but just for that day please just…let it go."

You nod. "Yeah, Nick I promise."

.

"So you work in theatre that must be pretty exciting."

You smile kindly, spinning your paper coffee in your hand as you glance out of the window of the coffee shop. "It's pretty exhausting at times but there is never a dull moment."

The other girl, Erin, laughs at your remark. You had met her the other night at Nicky's bar and decided that she seemed nice enough, she had a nice laugh and a gentle smile so here you were getting coffee. Coffee was safe, easy.

"So what is it that you do?" you ask, leaning forward resting your head on your hand, elbow propped on the table.

She smiles a shy lit filling her eyes. "I'm a Liberian, nothing too exciting."

"Being completely surrounding by books all the time, sounds like a pretty good time." You take a sip of your coffee, grimacing slightly at the lukewarm taste. "Who's your favorite author?"

She smiles and starts listing of a series of different author and genres, but you're momentarily distracted by your phone going off, for a moment you consider ignoring it but you can't help but glance down as you take another sip of your coffee.

You nearly choke as you look on the name on your display screen.

 _Piper._

You stare in silent confusing, watching as your phone buzzed with each ring before it eventually falls quiet. You remain tense and rigid, tempted to call back but Erin seems to have picked up on your unease.

"Is everything alright?" Her hand comes to rest on yours lightly, her tone colored with genuine concern. You force your eyes away from your phone to look at her and you feel a rush of guilt as you look at her sincere brown eyes.

"Yeah," you murmur softly, making a smile flit onto your lips. "Yeah, everything is fine."

At that moment your phone buzzes again, this time alerting you to a new voicemail. You groan internally at the situation, feeling the magnetic pull that always seemed to exist when it comes to Piper ripping you from this situation.

You look up at Erin once more, your expression immediately apologetic. "Hey, I need to make this call…"

She looks slightly put off but she nods her head understandingly. "Okay, well maybe we can do this again sometime." She punctuates the statement with a small squeeze of your hand.

"Yeah, maybe."

You smile once more before you get up to leave, pulling your jacket on as you head for the exit you hold the door open for her and she waves at you with another shy smile before you both go your separate ways. As you walk down the busy street you pull the phone to your ear, hitting the proper sequence to listen to your voicemail.

At first there is nothing but the sound of shuffling, but then.

"… _Hey, it's me. I'm back in the city for a while. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and talk. Call me."_

You grit your teeth ending the message. Now, she wants to talk. You make the trek home, brooding the whole time, playing and replaying the message wishing that she still didn't have this hold over you.

.

 **AN: Hey guys, sorry for leaving it here but if I didn't it would just started to become a long tangent of ramblings. Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think.**

To the reviewers:

 **Chop1312 – Thanks for your honesty.**

 **LizzLaylor – I'm sorry that this story made you feel even worse, I hope things have gotten better for you though.**

 **Vausemaniac – It is indeed rock bottom, I hope to put this fic in a better place in the next few chapters. Thanks for the review, love.**

 **For those of you I didn't respond to, I'm sorry I wish I could but I'm so super busy and I really need to blow off some steam by throwing weights around at the gym. Much love to you.**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: So I want to apologize, kind of. There was a serious death in my family, kind of lost the inspiration to write, which is why this chapter may seem a little shitty. I'm sorry for the long wait, and for those who have stuck with this fic so far, thank you.**

 **Much love.**

There were many ways the next few days could have panned out, you rehearsed the potential list in your head going over each scenario like you were dealing with a crisis situation. In hindsight it was ridiculous, after all you had known for a while that some sort of confrontation with Piper was inevitable but you thought you had more time, a specific day to count down towards.

But there was that voicemail and two text messages to follow it up afterward and honestly for the first time in your life you felt completely unprepared to handle a situation. You were pretty sick of throwing all your shit at Nicky, you could physically feel your friend's patience wearing thin with insistent complaints on the matter, despite the fact that she would never tell you that.

So you spend most of the day finishing up your required tasks, more or less on autopilot your mind constantly falling back to your latest emotional ordeal. You smile at the people who you worked alongside with, talking about the meaningless routine that was taking place, putting up a good front acting like you weren't mentally collapsing under the idea of facing Piper Chapman.

So, maybe that's how you ended up here. For the first time ever, in front of your mother's gravestone. It was a bitterly cold day, the wind blistering the skin on your face and forcing your hands into your pockets. The grass underneath your feet crunched with every step, protesting against your weight as frost turned the blades ridged and unforgiving.

It seems bizarre, looking at this stone, one you ordered but never actually seen in person. Her face was transposed onto a small plaque right above her name, the trademark smirking smile that you learned to mimic so well in your life filling her face.

You try to swallow past the lump that has formed in your throat, looking down at the frozen ground scuffing the earth slightly with your boot. Suddenly you feel ridiculous, like it really matters what you do now. You can imagine her giving you that look, watching you stand here like some sort of child ready to be reprimanded.

A solitary shaky breath escapes your lips, the wisps of warm air meeting cold coiling out into the quickly darken sky. "I wish you were here mom."

It's not like you're expecting a response, but for some reason you feel the need to pause, to let the quiet plea really sink in, your gaze fixed on the small portrait.

"Of course, if you were you would probably would have slapped the shit out of me by now."

The thought makes you smile a little. "Piper and I, we're really good at fucking things up. Like truly fucking brilliant at it." You adjust your glasses, looking at the ground once more. "So much shit has happened. You left way too early, I still need someone to look after my dumbass."

You stall for a moment, considering just leaving, heading back to your apartment and figuring out your next move but guilt bubbles up right on cue. "You should've had more time mom. I should've been around more, called more, anything."

You reach out towards the gravestone hesitantly, laying your palm against the cold marble. "I'll visit more often. Maybe next time I'll have good news."

.

" _I'm just say, you really shouldn't leave your door unlocked."_

 _Your mother looks over at Piper a look of feigned annoyance flickering across her face. "I appreciate the concern, kid, but honestly if someone breaks in here to steal something they would be pretty shit out of luck."_

 _You try to resist the laugh slips from your mouth but it's pointless, Piper shoots you a look but eventually a small smile takes place of the frown on her face. She leans forward a little unsteady as she takes another sip of wine. A gift you had bought for your mom's birthday only for you and Piper to consume most of it anyway, along with several different liquor before that._

 _Diane stretches her arms, reaching behind her to grab her pack of cigarettes. "Alright you misfits, it's late and I need to get up early for work."_

 _You nudge Piper softly with your elbow. "You ready?"_

 _She nods through another sip of wine. "Gotta pee first."_

 _You and your mother watch as she takes the familiar route to the bathroom before she slides a cigarette across the table towards you. You shake your head. "I'm trying to quit."_

" _You mean Piper is trying to make you quit," she states pointedly. "That girl sure knows how to pull your strings." She offers the cigarette again. "You've been staring them down like a hungry wolf, just take it so you don't feel tempted to buy your own pack later."_

 _You concede taking the cigarette, lighting it seconds after it's between your lips. Your mother narrows her eyes, glancing briefly down the hall to check for Piper before she continues in a hushed tone. "So, when are you gonna make that girl yours?"_

 _You start choking on the smoke that invaded you lungs, wiping your head around, a trill of fear that Piper might hear the statement running up your spine. "Mom, what the fuck are you talking about?"_

 _She raises an eyebrow at you. "I see how you look at her."_

" _Piper is straight."_

" _How do you know?"_

" _She has a boyfriend. Mom can we please drop this?"_

 _She raises her hands in a defensive manner. "I'm just saying, the world isn't black and white." She pauses to note the confusion on your face with a nod. "And you used to have boyfriends too, kid."_

" _Yeah, let's not talk about that," you mutter with a raise of your eyebrows._

 _You try to maintain the serious façade but eventually you and your mother devolve into laughter._

" _What's so funny?" Piper plops down next you with a hooded expression, her gaze flits to the cigarette in your hand. "Those things will kill you."_

 _You ash the cigarette, trying not to be amused by her antics. "Are you ready now?"_

" _Yes," she states theatrically. "Take me home."_

" _You mean back to my place?"_

 _She has to the good graces to look disorganized. "What did I say?"_

 _You say goodbye to your mother, promising to visit soon and call even sooner, ushering a slightly inebriated Piper out of the door. It's not a far walk from your house, so you don't bother with the pretense of a cab especially because of the fact that Piper is clinging to you and her warmth was radiating across your skin._

 _When you reach your apartment, Nicky is out, as usual so you guide Piper back to your room and to your bed, when you pull the blanket over her shoulders and turn to leave the room she grabs ahold of your hand._

" _Stay."_

 _It's barely audible and for a moment you debate the wisdom of listening to her but when she gives your hand another firm tug you pull your boots off and slide in next to her. She curls up next to you, ducking her head underneath your chin. For the better part of a few minutes you feel your heart beating out of your chest, at one point your hand comes up to gently stroke her hair pulling it away from her face to tuck it behind her ear._

 _She mumbles something sleepily, burrowing even closer to you._

" _What's that Pipes?"_

" _I meant what I said before." A single eye blinks up at you, before closing again. "About taking me home."_

 _Oh._

 _You start to pull away, more than a little upset by the recent turn of events but she holds on tight. She pulls back just enough to look you in the eyes._

" _Being with you feels like home."_

.

"That was last call Vause."

You narrow your eyes. "It's not even ten o'clock Nick."

"Yeah, but I just watched you down five drinks in an hour." She nods, pretending to think about something. "So, I'm gonna say last call."

A part of you wants to be angry, but the small rational side of you that hasn't been drowned away knows that she is simply looking out for you. So instead of protesting you pull out your wallet, collecting a small wad of bills but when you try to hand it over Nicky just shakes her head.

"Tonight is on me," she announces. "Go home, take care of yourself. Let me know when you get back."

Despite her offer you leave the bills on the counter, sliding off the barstool in a rather undignified manner. Grabbing for you jacket and making a hasty exit.

The cold air blisters your skin, but it doesn't stop you from blindly fumbling into your pocket for your cigarettes. The next few steps were made blindly, staggering as you tried desperately to light it despite the wind buffeting you from every side. Finally an ember ignites, and the smoke drifts away seconds later in torrent of air.

For a second you didn't realize your phone was going off, until it becomes too much of an annoyance to ignore. The name blaring across your screen does nothing to stabilize you.

 _Piper_.

You consider answering the call, but think better of it silencing your phone to let the opportunity fade away. You can't deal with Piper right now, not like this.

It's started to snow, the frigid air stilling for a moment as the flakes gently fall around you. It makes you stop, glancing up at the sky gazing sightlessly at the image of them falling through the streetlights. You sway backwards for a moment feeling the full effect of the alcohol leaching through your system and you close your eyes taking one small sharp breath before continuing down the street.

Piper always had wondered why you prefer to walk home after a night out drinking or not, it was something of curiosity to her and you would always catch her watching you with this small sense of wonder in her eyes like some great portrait to look at.

 _Stop thinking about it._

So much easier to think than actually do, she has a hold on you like you'll never understand. Why? Just why, why, why?

Your phone goes off once more, this time you're nearly a block from your apartment. You silence the call without even bothering to look at who it is; besides a part of you knows that it's her calling again.

You're walking up the landing to your apartment when the first text rolls in, and for some god awful reason you decide to take a look at your phone.

Of course she is texting you now.

 **Piper:**

 **U know, if you don't want to talk you could just say so.**

You stop outside of the door for a moment, feeling a fire raging through you as you read that solitary message. Because honestly, how does she even have the right to say something like that to you, she spent the last few months pretending that you don't exist and all of a sudden everything has to be on her terms once more.

Fuck her.

 **Alex:**

 **Fuck you.**

It seems appropriate given the circumstance, and if were in a more coherent state of mind you would have second guessed the actual statement. But you think back to something that Piper told you a long time ago.

 _Drunk words are just sober thoughts._

Oh how true.

The elevator reaches your floor the next time your phone goes off, once again you can't bring yourself to ignore it, even though you know what kind of shit is waiting for you when you look at the message.

 **Piper:**

 **At least I got a reaction out of you.**

 **We need to talk.**

You slowly make your way to your apartment door, looking at the message the whole way causing you to stumble more than you know you normally would. It causes you to pause for moment, your key held unsteadily in your hand outside of your door.

You want to say something, but at this moment you don't trust your judgment anymore. So you shut off your phone, pushing the key into the door.

There were a few ways the next few days could've gone, but you should've known that none of them would go according to what you wanted or planned. It was obvious from the moment Piper had first reached out. But there were a few things you didn't expect.

One of them being Piper, sitting on your sofa with that painfully familiar all expecting look in her wide eyes.

You couldn't have prepared for this in any way.

 **AN: Next chapter is in the works I'll have it to you asap.**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: This was rough, I bounced back and forth between how I wanted to take this chapter and eventually this was what I settled on. To all the readers and reviewers, I'd like to thank you for you sentiments in regards to my family and being understanding and patient with me.**

 **I appreciate you all.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **Music inspiration:**

 **Remembering myself – Stephen**

 **Closer – Kings of Leon**

 **I'll run to you - MISSIO**

.

You just stand there, a true deer in headlights moment for both of you. It just seems appropriate, the first time you're seeing her in over nine months and you can't think of one damn thing to say. None of that righteous fury manages to work its way forward.

She stands and it truly feels like a standoff at this point, both of you tense waiting to see who will draw first. It's usually you, you can see her waiting for it to be you but you won't take the leap. She sought you out so you want this to be all on her.

You shuffle your stance a little, raising and eyebrow to let her know you'll wait however long it takes for her to make the next move. You watch as her hand runs down her arm nervously, her gaze flicking away for just a moment to look over at the kitchen with a jerk of her head.

"I brought wine and your favorite take out, it's, uh, all in the fridge since I wasn't sure when you'd be back...," she trails off when you start shaking your head and you don't even try to stop the bitter laugh that breaks from your lungs.

"How'd you get in here, Piper?"

"You gave me a key."

" _Larry_ gave you my key nine months ago."

"Yeah, from _you._ "

"Okay." Your tongue comes out to wet your lips as you pull your glasses into your hair. "Better question, what are you doing here?"

"You weren't answering-,"

"Maybebecause I didn't want to talk to _you_."

"Yeah, no shit, Al but we have to talk about-,"

"Oh, _now_ you want to talk." The fire doesn't leave her gaze but you notice a small slump in her shoulders, the fact that you have the high ground now does nothing but spur you on. "I guess its okay now, as long as it's on your terms right Pipes?"

The moment you had started talking her gaze had shifted to the floor and now as she looks up at you her eyes are misted over. You expect her to leave, to run away again but there is a look of determination on her face that you've never truly seen before. It startles you for a second, the fact that she is standing her ground, facing this head on rather than escaping the situation.

"Alex." Her voice wavers a little, but despite that she still is holding her head up high. "Can we please just talk? And if you still want me to leave, I will, gladly." Her eyes shut, her expression pained and when they flick open again the sorrow that fills those blue orbs destroys something in you. "But, please."

A heavy sigh escapes your lips as you flick your gaze to the kitchen doorway. "Let's open that bottle of wine shall we."

She bites her lip, clearly trying to suppress her smile and even though you try to remain neutral you can't help your own smile that flits across your face once your back is to her.

"Its box wine," she announces as you make your way towards the fridge. "I know if you're going to drink cheap wine, you'd rather have it on tap."

You pull it from the fridge to place it onto the counter, working to pull the tab open. You pull your glasses back over your eyes and throw a glance at her over your shoulder. "You know me so well."

The small hopeful smile that she gives you starts to melt some of the tension from your body and with the drinks from earlier clouding your head you have to remind yourself to keep a level head. It was important that you two actually talked, rather than just slipping back into old habits.

You pour two glasses of wine taking one in your hand and offering the second to her, which she takes without hesitation immediately bringing it to her lips and taking a long sip. You wait patiently, leaning against the counter watching as she debates with how to start. She places her glass down on the kitchen table, using one arm to support herself there as she takes one long look at you.

She takes deep breath before beginning without any other preamble. "I'm so sorry."

Of all the things you actually expected from her, a genuine apology wasn't one of them. And it was genuine, her expression somber and eyes wide and pleading, but she also knows that she has your attention so she doesn't bother stalling.

"And I know, that saying that won't make it better, probably nothing will but you – I need you to know that." She pauses, looking timidly at you. "So…I'm sorry."

You could see her struggle with where to go with all this, almost like she had planned it all out only for it fly completely out of the window the moment she realized you were giving her this opportunity.

So you take a sip of wine nodding your head slowly. "How about this, why don't you tell me why you did it. Why you just disappeared of the face of the earth for almost a year without even warning anybody?"

You try not sound angry, but the words come out bitter either way and see Piper flinch slightly at your harsh tone.

"I had to, Al."

"Bullshit."

" _I had to._ "

The firm tone of her voice freezes you for a second. "So, you could have at least said something. You could have called; you could have at least _answered_ when I called. Explain that one to me, because you just left and left everyone else in the dark to deal with whatever bullshit you left behind. It's not right-,"

"Because I was being selfish." Her outburst wasn't unexpected, you had watched it building up during your rant but the words coming from her were absolutely jarring. "I was being selfish, okay? Is that what you want to hear, will that make you feel better?"

"What would make me feel better is if you had never left to begin with."

"I had to figure my shit out, Alex." She stops to see if you had anything to say but only for a moment. "And yes, I get what I did was awful and selfish, I hurt people. I hurt _you_." The anguish in her voice is unmistakable at this point, but she dredges on. "But for so long, I was this person, this doted upon object who was expected to do certain things and at first I could convince myself that I wanted all of that too. That if I just follow the course that was drawn out for me I could be happy, like passing through checkpoints. Then all of sudden so much shit happened and I was completely thrown off course. All of a sudden, I didn't know who I was anymore, the things I wanted a year ago, five years ago all disappeared."

At this point you're not looking at her, just listening to everything that is coming at you, trying to fit the pieces together in your own way. So, when she stops, you look at her, truly look at her and notice for the first time that despite how she still looked Piper she was very much different. The sadness that used to linger in her eyes was all but gone, despite the moisture gathering in her eyes there was nothing but determination shown on your face.

With one last deep breathe, she continues. "So, I'm sorry. But I'm also not sorry, because I needed to do this. I needed to leave, because if I hadn't things would've have never changed."

There is a long moment of silence, the sound of both of your breathing punctuating the air heavily. You understand, in a way, you know exactly her reasons but it doesn't calm the bitterness that had worked its way into your mind through her absence.

"Yeah, well." You exhale slowly questioning your next words before they even leave your lips. "A lot of things did change, Pipes."

Her reaction was instant, you watched her visibly deflate, a sullen flicker of defeat running across her face as her shoulders slumped. You just watch, as she sits down tiredly at the table, as her emotions play across her face and you don't look away when she finally looks you in the eyes once more.

"I know."

It didn't feel right, nothing was being resolved, there was no closure no real ending and it causes your breath to tremble because you realize that she very well may just walk away again. If that were to happen, despite what you feel right now, you know that you wouldn't be able to bring yourself to ask her to stay.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Anger surges through you for a moment, because of course she would put that decision on you. You're shaking your head tiredly as soon as you register her question. "Do you want to leave?"

She is shaking her head and despite the sadness in her face, that determination has worked its way back into her eyes. "No."

You nod slowly taking a sip of wine, letting the bitter red liquid wash over your tongue.

"Then don't."

.

 _The light was streaming in through the window, the late summer sun bathing the world in a dazzling display of light causing everything to glow as if you were floating in a dream world. Especially as you watch Piper twirling around the middle of your room, her hair fanning out in all directions shining like gold in the light. Her eyes were shining even brighter than ever; the alcohol you were consuming glazing over the brilliant blue making them glisten. And that fucking smile, that effortless beautiful thing._

 _She looked radiant._

 _And she was leaving tomorrow._

 _You push it away, wanting that idea to be the furthest from your mind as possible because you had known this was coming, since 'college' became a frequent topic of discussion, you had watched her pour over those application forms, writing essays and gathering recommendations. You had known, but that doesn't make the concept of her leaving to go so very far away any easier._

 _Especially now, with her like this, dancing to_ Across the Universe _(her choice not yours)_ _like it was the beat to her own heart. There were so many swirling emotions filling you, your head was telling you to say something – anything at all because this moment demanded sentimental testimonies. But your heart was screaming at you, telling you to savor this moment reminding you that it won't ever happen again._

" _What are you thinking about?"_

 _A small smirk flits on your lips, your hair veiling your face in a haphazardly motion as you throw you head back against the wall. "Nothing."_

 _She narrows that piercing gaze at you, seeing through the obviously deception in your statement. She stops her hypnotizing movements allowing her body to relax which does nothing but serve the purpose of causing you to focus on those long legs._

" _You're lying?" It wasn't a question, not really, it was more a sense of shock that you would have the nerve to do such a thing._

 _The smirk persists as you shrug your shoulders, making your intention to remain silent on the matter clear. She slides over to you, grabbing the drink from your hand, taking a long sip. You know you should probably stop her because she has had far too much to drink already and it wasn't even eight o'clock, but she was safe here with you. This apartment that contained almost every single memory of your friendship until this point was hallowed ground for her and you would be damned to take away the joy that was written so clearly across her face now, despite what regrets she may have tomorrow._

" _Are you gonna miss me?"_

 _Your head falls lopsidedly, looking at her sitting next you now a small grin on her lips. It was a silly question, considering it was something that you two had talked about countless times whenever the subject came up. She would leave for Smith and you would stay behind, that was the deal that was struck._

" _Yes." Of course you would. "Too much." And maybe that was the problem, it wasn't enough that you would miss her, that you know the moment she sets out tomorrow you'll have to accept phone calls and messages more than just face to face interaction. It was that you would miss her too much, because the truth of the matter is that even when she was here there was always a part of you that would miss something that you never truly had._

 _But right now with her head leaning ever so gently on your shoulder and her murmuring about all the possibilities of visiting each other once the semester starts up, you realize it's better to let it go, because this was Piper and you could never bring yourself to ask too much from her. So, with her face nestled into your neck, her breath ghosting shallowly over your shoulder you lean over and press your lips to her forehead._

 _And when you feel her smile against you skin that was all you needed._

.

The box of wine was quickly depleting itself, over the past two hours you had both gone back and forth from reminiscing to full tilt screaming matches. At one point you made an awful remark, one that would normal cause her to give up and leave just test the limits of her patience with you.

She ended up throwing a book at you.

You both had circled around your apartment, leaning against the kitchen counter, both of you sitting on the window seat as you smoke cigarette after cigarette. After one particular emotionally charged statement you walked into your bedroom, slamming the door shut and locking it behind you. You had expected her to leave at that point as well, to give up and forget the night ever happened. But she didn't, there were so many moments where you thought for sure that she would have taken the opportunity to flee.

But she stayed.

So here you were now, on the sofa. Piper was sitting next to you, a gap between the two of you. A bridge of physical distance to remind you both of the emotional fissure that has been created.

She wasn't looking at you, just staring blankly at the glass in her hand twirling it so that the red liquid sloshed around. You're not sure what time it is anymore, but the burning of your eyes is a telltale sign of how exhausted you were and you're about to suggest that you both go to sleep when –

"I read your letter."

You remained unfazed, it was something you assumed all along anyway. "You also sent it back."

You throw a glance over at her, letting your gaze travel over her slumped form. She was just as tired as you were, the glassiness of her eyes and the limp way she held her wine glass made it obvious. In her silence you made up your mind, you both needed rest nothing good would come from talking about this for the rest of the night.

"Look-,"

"It's because I couldn't stop reading it." Her gaze meets yours for a moment before flicking back to her glass. "At first I couldn't even look at it, afraid that you were just telling me to go fuck myself basically." She laughs, but it comes out choked and watery. "I mean; I could hardly blame you if that was the case." Every word was tumbling out in short halting spurts. "But, when I finally did, I mean, when I read it. I just - I just kept reading it. Over and over again, I probably could have recited it from heart after a certain point."

She lets out a shaky breath, looking to you her gaze searching you looking for some sort of reaction, but right now you were sitting in a stunned silence. You were never sure what sort of reaction you were expecting from her when you wrote that letter, but right now with tears gathering in her eyes for what feels like the hundredth time tonight it struck you that it didn't matter anymore.

You were so sick of feeling this way, you were so tired of being angry and hurt. Because despite how much you had tried to convince yourself over the last few months that Piper was not worth caring about, that caring about her just led to you getting wounded time and time again, _it didn't matter_. You had tried so hard to convince yourself that she wasn't important to you anymore, but _of course_ you still fucking cared. Once she was sitting right in front of you once again you couldn't deny that any longer.

Hating her was almost harder than loving her.

Throughout your silence she had begun muttering a shocked string of _I'm sorry's_ all varying in intensity the longer you remained quiet. Even you were surprised when you eventually took her hand in your own, she stalls in her mumbling looking to you for _something_ and you give her hand a small but reassuring squeeze.

"I'm not some innocent bystander in all of this, Pipes." It's a revelation that you have known for a long time now, a statement you can finally say out loud emboldened by the wine and the intensity of Piper's admission. "I should have said something, a long time ago. I should have talked about it, _made_ you stay and actually figure things out."

You look into her eyes, trying to ignore the glimmer of hope that was swirling in those blue depths because honestly that isn't what you're trying to do, you just figured if she was going to spill her guts you might as well return the favor. You let go of her hand, hating how quickly she deflates from the loss of contact and you have to avert your gaze once again.

"We both fucked up."

You don't look at her again, you don't want to see what emotions were playing across her face and you don't want to give her another reason to apologize again. So you decide to put an end to the night, running a hand through your hair you stand up from the sofa.

"Look, I'm exhausted and I know you probably are too."

She nods in agreement setting her glass down in the process. "Right, I should…leave."

It was a smart idea considering all that had transpired, but as she stands up looking more than just a little unsteady you realize in that moment you don't want her to go. As selfish as it was, you couldn't stand the thought of watching her leave one last time.

"Why don't you stay?"

What difference would it really make anyway; she would probably slip out the door before you woke tomorrow morning anyway. At least this way you won't be able to witness the moment she slips from your life again.

"It's cold outside, you've been drinking all night so why don't you just…stay." The baffled expression on her face tells you that she won't be able to fully accept the idea, so you press forward making the decision for her. "I can get you clothes to sleep in and I'll stay on the couch."

"Okay," she says agreeing without a moment's hesitation. "But I can sleep out here, it's fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

You don't bother arguing over it, so you hastily gather some clothes, a pillow and blanket for her, sitting awkwardly on your bed as she changes in your bathroom. You stand in the doorway between the living room and your bedroom, watching silently as she settles in, taking one final look before saying goodnight. She gives you this soft, sleepy smile before saying the same.

You take a mental snapshot, remembering to keep that moment tucked away somewhere safe. Keep it for the bad days.

…

You're restless.

You're not sure how long you've been lying in bed, trying desperately to fall into some semblance of slumber but it just won't come to you. You think at first you can fight of this feeling, the nagging sensation of guilt and unrest you feel at having Piper in the room right next to you. Since you two have known each other you have never slept in separate rooms when you were visiting each other. That has to be it, the abnormal separation that have placed between the two of you.

 _It's for the best._

But truth be told, when it came to Piper you were awful at doing what was _best_.

Or maybe it was because of how easily she accepted everything, how hard she was trying to let everything be on your terms. She let you make every decision about what happened tonight, what you talked about and how long you were willing to discuss the matter.

Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter. It didn't change the fact that you were now standing up and walking to your bedroom door. It didn't change the fact that upon opening the door, you were graced with the sight of her still awake staring sightlessly at the ceiling. It didn't stop the relief that flooded through you at the idea that, she too was restless.

"Piper."

You didn't need to say her name, the moment the door had opened you had her full attention anyway but you said it for your own sake, so that you can remember who it was that were talking to.

"Do…you want to come sleep in here? With me." You pause for a moment, putting some thought into what you just said. "And I mean, just sleep."

A strain laugh breaks from her and she doesn't even bother with words, she just nods biting her lips as a tiny smile forms on her lips. So, you push the door open a little more, leaning in the entryway as a means of invitation and she hastily heads into the room.

She waits silently, standing by the bedside that she used to occupy during every visit as you shut the door. She tracks your steps as you walk over and replace yourself underneath the comforter and you glance up to see her still standing there.

You roll your eyes. "What are you a vampire, do you need an invitation?"

Wordlessly she tucks into the bed beside you and without warning you pull her into you, wrapping your arms around her waist and tangling your legs with her own. She is tense for a fraction of a second before relaxing into you, letting her head fall into the crook of your neck.

And despite your better judgment and every rational part of your mind screaming at you to do otherwise you lean forward to press your lips against her forehead. You feel her smile against the skin of your neck.

And just before you finally, _mercifully_ , drift off to sleep you feel rather than hear her murmur. _"Thank you."_

 **AN: The next chapter is the last guys, so until then be kind to one another.**


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